The Difficulties of Being a Vampire
by balanced insanity
Summary: Who here is sick of: Harry's emo, watch him be angsty, become a vampire, and then commit suicide type stories? I guess you could call this a parody with it's own plot! note: this is all in good humor HPxDM slash later on R&R please!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Alright…here's the deal. I was really really really sick of reading "Harry was so mad that he turned into a vampire and became emo" all of the time…so I made a humor/parody/romance/slash about Harry becoming one. There is a lot of OOC and I guess it has to be a bit AU if Harry becomes a mythological creature…but there you have it. NOW, if you read this chapter and think it completely sucks…I won't continue the story. It was just a random idea that popped into my head and I thought- hey! What the heck…why not write this story? Oh, by the way…this is a HarryxDraco…if you don't like it…what's wrong with you!? Yeah…soo…ON WITH THE STORY!

Disclaimer: No…I do not own Harry…or Draco…or anything Harry Potter related sobs

I'm deciding that this story takes place…erm…seventh year…and HBP never happened…because I love Draco and it would be easier if Harry didn't hate him for the horrible thing he did, and I'll just leave it at that because some people (I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!) might not have read the sixth book.

Chapter One: I think I just killed Lord Voldemort

It was close to midnight and Harry was snuggling into bed, his favorite pink stuffed elephant at his side. He glanced at the obnoxious red light illuminating from the clock. It read, 11:58. Harry removed his glasses and placed them on the nightstand. _Two minutes before I come of age, finally._ With those last thoughts, Harry drifted into sleep. Suddenly, a pain like no other erupted inside of Harry. He awoke with a startled jerk and fell off his bed, shaking; he looked down and saw that he was lying in a pool of his own blood. Shuddering, he became aware of the fact that—just kidding. Harry slept through the entire thing.

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It was either the smell of burnt toast or pounding headache of Harry's that woke him up in the morning. He opened his eyes wearily and looked around his room. Damn. He was hoping to wake up and have a shit load of presents, but then again…he didn't really have any friends so he would only receive like…four anyway. He stumbled out of bed and got dressed in the dark, his morning routine. He only noticed something odd while brushing his hair. He doubled back at the mirror in his wardrobe…but he didn't see his reflection. He simply…wasn't there.

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Voldemort was currently sitting in his Evil Lair of DOOM. Lucius Malfoy walked into the room, his white-blond hair blowing in the nonexistent wind.

"Ah, Lucius…my main…" Voldemort quickly looked down at the writing on his hand, "home slice."

"Yes, my Lord. You called?"

"Yes, I did." He spun in a circle, causing his robes to billow in dramatic effect. "Now, Lucius, do you know what day it is?"

"Wednesday."

"No…"

"July 31st?"

"YES! Do you know what main event happens on this day!?"

"Oh! Prince Ronald Mutebi was crowned King of Uganda!"

Voldemort stared at the Death Eater for a moment. "No…it is Harry Potter's Birthday!"

"With all do respect Lord…why should we care?"

"BECAUSE! It is his seventeenth birthday!"

"Ahh….you've lost me."

"FOOL!" he screamed, flames surrounding him. "Damnit!" he cried stomping at the flames. Once he was no longer on fire he turned back to Lucius. "Now…Today young Mr. Potter is turning seventeen. That my dear friend means that he is of age, which means that lovely protection spell on his humble abode, is GONE!"

"AH! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!"

"No you fool…we can just go right now, why wait another day?"

"I'm sorry, my lord…I've just always wanted to say that…"

"Yes…well…I'm taking this particular journey alone… "WHEN I RETURN, HE WILL BE NO MORE!" and he vanished in a blaze of fire. "DAMNIT!"

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Voldemort appeared on Privet Drive with a faint pop. He looked around the street and saw people watering their gardens, retrieving the newspaper. "Blast…I should have worn a disguise." He pulled out a pair of sunglasses with unnecessary flourish and started looking at the addresses. _Was it number four…or six? Hmmm…._he thought. "Oh well, I'll just try both of them. He walked up to the door and barged into the house, switched on his 'Evil Villain Music of the Nineties' cassette and started maliciously laughing. "OH HARRY, COME OUT AND PLAY!" he roared. "Blast…" he turned off his cassette tape and looked at the scene in front of him.

A family of four was sitting at their breakfast table, all looking at him wide-eyed, and mouths open in a silent scream. The little girl dropped her fork with a clang.

"I'll just…I'll umm…" he stammered, picking up the door and putting it back on its hinges. "Good day." and he walked out the door.

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Harry was still staring at his mirror. "What the hell?" He looked down and could see himself just fine…but why wasn't there a reflection? Harry made a double take on his arm. It was so…fucking pale. No cuts, scars, or bruises that usually covered his arms were present. No, contrary to popular belief, he was not beaten and/or raped by his uncle…he just got a little roughed up from freaking save the world once a year. He looked at himself. He seemed a bit scrawnier, but not like a small child or anything. He just seemed more…delicate, though not in a bad way. He stretched for to the top of his wardrobe to get his glasses, but…he couldn't reach…_What the fuck? Did I shrink, too!?_ He pondered miserably. He jumped a few times trying to obtain them, but only managed to bang his head in the process. But that's when he realized…he didn't need them. He gasped in surprise, he could see, in the dark nonetheless. He walked over to his window to pull open the blinds…

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"Alright…I guess it was four. Number _four_ Privet Drive." Voldemort muttered to himself. He walked up to the door. "Hmm…no cars in the driveway…Alohamora." The door clicked open. "Now…let's see…" he pulled out a map and followed it to a door covered in locks that was labeled on the map as Harry's room. (No, I have no idea how Lord Voldemort got a floor plan of the Dursley's house…or how he knows their address, SHUT UP!) After unbolting the various locks, and muttering passwords he opened the door…DUN…DUN…DUN…

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Now children…this might be a little difficult to explain…but stick with me here!

Harry pulled open the blinds at exactly the same moment Lord Voldemort came waltzing through the door. Sunlight burst through the window, blinding Harry. "HOLY FUCKING-"

"AVADA KED-"

Harry spun on the spot away from the window. Eyes still closed, he was had a small panic attack. "OH MY GOD! IT BURNS!" he opened them a bit, "OH MY GOD! VOLDEMORT!"

Completely scared out of his wits, Harry hadn't the faintest clue as to how or why but a large pair of black wings erupted from his back. They were so huge, and powerful that they even managed to catch Lord Voldemort off guard. One wing smashed into his stomach, while Harry turned around stupidly, trying to get away from both Voldemort, the sunlight, and find his wand. He heard a crash, a scream and a sickening crunch. Harry looked down to find a pair of sunglasses on the ground. He picked them up and shoved them onto the bridge of his nose. Finally, the burning stopped. He walked over to the window and realized…He had thrown Lord Voldemort out of a window. And judging by the amount of blood…he was dead. Then he became conscious of the fact that he had just killed someone and sprouted wings at the same time. The Dursley's car unexpectedly rolled up the drive way. _Oh, fuck it._


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: HOLY SMOKES! Thanks so much for the reviews guys! I wasn't expecting such positive feedback! It made me extremely happy.

Alright so…some people pointed out that they **like** dark/emo Harry-ness and let me just point this out—I do too! I enjoy reading it, if it's written well. But my favorite kind of writing is humor, which is really all I do write. So, I simply wanted to put a fun spin on the emo/angst-filled Potter. This is all just in good fun, and no offense is to be taken. I make fun of a lot of things, myself included, so really, I'm not trying to offend anyone—just to let you guys know.

And…Mayavi-is-Spiggys: I have a pink stuffed elephant too! I put him in the story just so my elephant (fluffy-that's his name don't wear it out) could be in the plot!

Chapter Two: MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!

And so our story continues…We have fast forwarded a bit and now find ourselves on September first, 199…um… I have no idea. Make it up yourselves-have a blast! Ahem, anyways, King's Cross Station was 'PACKED WITH MUGGLES OF COURSE', witches, wizards, and a crap load of luggage. Harry wove his way through crowds of people and through the magical barrier taking him to the Hogwarts Express. There, our tragic, young hero stood, scouting out for his friends. He probably looked like a drug dealer, leaning up against a brick wall, hands in his pockets, and sunglasses on. Eh, at least no one recognized him.

"HARRY!"

"Ow!" Harry smacked his head against the wall. Turning around he saw Hermione and Ron bounding up to him, grinning like mad. Hermione flung her arms desperately around Harry's neck, engulfing him in a suffocating bear hug. "Oh my gosh, Harry! I'm so sorry we haven't written much this summer, I've just been so terribly busy with schoolwork, and then my parents and I, we went on a vacation to Ugand-", she stopped abruptly. "Harry, have you….have you gotten…shorter?"

Harry backed up looking very affronted. "No."

"Oh, it just seems like it."

"Well maybe you've gotten taller?"

"I guess that's a possible explanation…"

Ron laughed rather unexpectedly, "Harry, what's with the sunglasses? We're in London; we don't know what sunshine is!"

"I know what sunshine is. It's the light of direct rays of sun, creating warmth to the location or surface on which the sun's rays fall." stated Hermione smugly.

"Right. Well…yeah. Anyways…are you trying to start a fad or something? Because no offense really but…sunglasses work for some people and others", he shrugged, "just really can't pull it off."

"Thank you for your words of wisdom, Ron. Now let's find a compartment." said Harry through gritted teeth.

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The trio made their way down the corridor of the train, in hopes of finding seats. Harry stalked down the hallway, not even once trying to open a door muttering things like, "Nope, no, that's full, no, try again." Finally he stopped at a door. "Aha!" he declared and opened the door to find an empty compartment.

"Wow…how did you know that they were all full Harry? You didn't even take one glance at those other doors." asked Hermione, brows furrowed.

Harry shot her a bitter look. "I am all knowing." and he sat down moodily.

"Um…Hermione…don't we have prefect duties…?" asked Ron looking nervously at Harry.

"Oh…right. We'll be back later I suppose…" trailed off Hermione following Ron out of the compartment.

Harry let out a sigh of frustration. He rubbed his temples wearily and stood up from the plush seats. He pulled the curtains shut and turned off the lights. Only then did he remove his sunglasses. He maneuvered easily back to his seat where he proceeded to sit. Just sit. He wanted to sleep, but he couldn't. Ever since his birthday, Harry hadn't slept at all. Not in the way that 'he was still having haunting, horrific night terrors that caused him to tragically wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, crying for his dead parents and friends', or that he didn't sleep much. No, Harry Potter had not slept a wink since July thirty-first. Nor had he had a bite to eat, but that is another story for another time. He glared at the compartment door, glared at the vision of his friends and then he glared some more at the ceiling. And then, Balanced Insanity walked in.

"HARRY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to make this a **non-angsty **fic. Now turn that frown upside down!" With that said, she slapped a happy face sticker on Harry's forehead and left.

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It was a couple hours later when Ron and Hermione reappeared.

"Hi." said Ron quietly looking downcast.

"Hey." replied Harry coolly.

Balanced Insanity: glare

"HI RON! HOW'S IT GOING!?" jumped up Harry shaking Ron's hand enthusiastically.

"Good…good." he said, the corner of his mouth playing into a smile.

"Why is it so dark in here?" asked Hermione, turning on the lights.

"NO! DON-" shouted Harry hurriedly, but unfortunately too late. "AHHH! GAHH! OH! MEE! GAH! MAKE IT STOP!! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!!" he screamed hysterically covering his eyes with one hand, searching frantically on the floor for his sunglasses with the other.

"HERMIONE! TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!" cried Ron, eyes near bulging from their sockets.

Hermione didn't need telling twice. She shut them off instantly and both she and Ron looked at Harry uneasily. Harry gradually stood up from the floor, and removed his sunglasses. He met neither Hermione's nor Ron's eyes as he sat back down in his seat.

"Would you care to explain or should we even bother to ask?" questioned Ron, eyebrows raised in concern.

"I'd tell you…but then I'd have to kill you."

"There is obviously something wrong with you, Harry. You're pale, skinnier, and apparently cannot see in the sunlight." Hermione tilted her head, thinking of a possible reason to his recent changes.

"OH MY GOSH!" yelled Ron, "YOU'RE FINALLY GOING THROUGH PUBERTY!"

Harry and Hermione stared at Ron after his sudden outburst. "Well gee I don't know Ron," started Harry, "when you went through puberty, did you turn paler, _shorter_, _smaller_, have your vision corrected, but yet your eyes bleed when in direct contact with sunlight. Also, did you go through a month of where you didn't eat or sleep!?"

"No. My voice just started cracking." answered Ron, truthfully.

Hermione opened the door and left the compartment.

"Where are you going!?" called Ron after her.

"The library!"

"…We're on a train."

"Damnit!" and Hermione returned. She sat down in defeat and stared at Harry, for a very uncomfortably long time.

"What?" Harry finally asked, annoyed.

"You're eyes…they're so…black…and dead."

"Thank you."

"It's mesmerizing…"

"Fascinating."

Hermione continued to stare.

"Hermione."

"Hmm?"

"Stop. Now. You're really starting to freak me out."

She snapped out of it. "Oh, I'm sorry Harry. I'll just…um…" and she switched places with Ron.

"….Ron, stop."

"Sorry."

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The carriage ride to the Hogwarts entrance was just as awkward and unpleasant as the train ride. Hermione and Ron tried as best as they could not to be hypnotized by Harry's eyes, but they couldn't help it. Eventually, Harry had to put his sunglasses back on, even though it was dark outside. He must have looked really, very stupid.

Finally, the feast had begun and all the students were cramming their plates full of food, smashing it into their faces as though they hadn't eaten in ages. Ravenous, Ron and Hermione ate until their stomachs ached and didn't even notice that Harry hadn't touched a thing. Instead, Harry people watched, bored with the endless platters of cooking. Well, no surprises, all the teachers were looking far too cheery for their own good, except of course, Professor Snape. The Hufflepuff table were a giggly bunch, the Ravenclaws looked…wise. The Gryffindors looked stupid and courageous and the Slytherins looked superior and unfriendly. But what was there to expect? It was always a predictable year at Hogwarts. Except for the end, when Harry went on his annual adventure, but there had to be at least six months until then, so who cared? _Wait a minute…_Harry did a double take at the Slytherin table. Draco Malfoy was wearing sunglasses. "What the hell?"

"Yes?" asked Hermione who had finally finished eating.

"Oh, it's just…Malfoy is wearing sunglasses too, is all." shrugged off Harry, looking for something else of interest.

"Wow. You really did start a fad…a retarded one at that but... Oh well, I guess anything's possible when you're the Great Harry Potter!" said Ron laughing.

"Yeah, I suppose."

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Harry stayed awake that night, well, what else could he do? He couldn't sleep. And he was getting freaking bored of listening to his housemates snore. He never realized how much fucking time of his life a person spent sleeping. Ugh. It was so frustrating. He decided to go for a midnight stroll. He had his invisibility cloak and Maurderer's map, so he would have to be really stupid to be caught, but since he was Harry Potter, he had managed to get trapped quite a few times. Somehow, he had managed to escape the walls of the castle and get out onto the grounds. It was a bit cold, but so was Harry's skin, all of the time. So the cold air had no affect on him. He imagined that if he caught a fever, he'd still be frozen to the touch. Walking across the grass, his breath rose in the air. It was eerily quiet, but Harry needed to be alone. He was so tragic anyway; oh boo hoo, emo Harry.

Suddenly, a nearby stir in the trees of the Forbidden Forest alerted Harry that he was not alone. He had previously taken off his invisibility cloak which meant that he could be easily spotted. _Damn. _(I told you, this kid was retarded). He reached for it hastily.

"Don't bother putting that on, Potter. I'll see you anyway."

Harry whipped around. _Malfoy._

"What do you mean you'll see me anyway?" he asked, actually curious.

"I mean, that when you come to a certain inheritance, you get some unique abilities. Catch my drift?" he raised his eyebrows at Harry.

"What? Like X-Ray vision or something?"

"What the hell is X-Ray vision?"

"Nothing. Never mind."

"Behind every nothing is a little something."

"What the hell are you supposed to be, a fortune cookie?"

Draco laughed. "Didn't Dumbledore tell you yet?"

"Tell me what?"

"Oh, I thought the old codger would have by now, I guess I was wrong."

"Tell me what, Malfoy?"

"Sorry. I don't really think I'm the one to tell you that, Potter."

"And just why is that?"

"You wouldn't believe me."

"Try me."

"Alright, fine you asked for it." Draco leaned in close to Harry and whispered in his ear, "I know what you did last summer."

_What the hell?_ That hadn't been what Harry was expecting. "You mean, killing Vol-"

"Shh!" hissed Malfoy, covering Harry's mouth with his hand. "Let me ask you a question, Potter.

"Mmff?" was Harry's muffled reply.

"Last year, didn't you discover some rather important knowledge about Voldemort that would lead to your last statement being false?"

"Oh, shmuck. Orecrkses."

Draco pulled his hand away from Harry's mouth. "Sorry, what?"

"I said," Harry paused to clear his throat dramatically. "Oh fuck, Horcruxes."

"Exactly."

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Meanwhile, a couple hundred miles away, Voldemort was in a common muggle hospital recovering and laughing hysterically. No, not malicious laughter, he was giggling, for he had just had an overdose of Laughing Gas.

"HEEHEEHAAHAAHEEHEEEHEEEHAAAAAHHEEEEE!! HARRY POTTER! Haha-hee! VENGENCE SHALL- Heehee! –BE MINE!! Oh! That tickles!"

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A/N: Alright. So, I tried to leave that off as a cliffhanger…I have no idea if I succeeded in that yet, but whatever. I shall update as soon as possible! Review please! It just makes me write faster! I apologize for the late update, but for the last five days I have been trying to upload it to document and was all—ERROR!ERROR! and was being GAY! So, that's why It's taken me so long to update—sorry!

REVIEWWWWWW PWEEAASSEE!

who wants to take a gander at which new OOC character will appear in the next chapter? If you guess right, I'll add you in the story:)


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Again, I apologize for the horrible-ness of my updates, but is being GAY! And is not letting me update my story! Rawr!

Chapter Three: A Fucked Up Explanation

"Well Harry, I suppose you'd like to know why you are here." said Dumbledore, eyes twinkling madly beneath his half moon spectacles.

"Yes."

"Well…it's difficult to explain." Dumbledore got up from his seat and went to the hidden cupboard to pull out his pensive.

Harry Potter was currently sitting in the headmaster's office after being called there a short while ago. He showed up, not knowing what to expect, but took note right away that he was not alone. Draco Malfoy was occupying the chair next to his, looking very superior in all his Slytherin-ness ways.

"Alright. I guess the best thing to do is have you boys look at this particular memory." He prodded the silvery mass of recollections with the tip of his wand until the ghost of Sibyll Trelawney appeared.

In her dark, hoarse voice she spoke, "_THE ONE WITH THE POWER TO VANQUISH THE DARK LORD APPROACHES…BORN TO THOSE WHO HAVE THRICE DEFIED HIM, BORN AS THE SEVENTH MONTH DIES…AND THE DARK LORD WILL MAKR HIM AS HIS EQUAL, BUT HE WILL HAVE POWER THE DARK LORD KNOWS NOT…AND EITHER MUST DIE AT THE HAND OF THE OTHER FOR NEITHER CAN LIVE WHILE THE OTHER SURVIVES…THE ONE WITH THE POWER TO VANQUISH THE DARKLORD WILL BE BORN AS THE SEVENTH MONTH DIES…"_

Harry stared at Dumbledore. "Sir…you told me about that last year."

"Oh…did I?"

"Yes."

"Old age is a terrible thing, Harold."

"It's Harry, sir."

"That's what I said." he giggled to himself and walked behind his desk. "Well, if you know about the prophecy…I suppose you're free to go…" he trailed off, looking around the room as though to remind himself of why he was there.

"Sir." voiced Draco, interrupting the headmaster's thoughts. "Isn't there something else you wish to tell Harry? Something that might explain the recent changes he's been going through?"

"Oh…yes. He has no father; I suppose I ought to explain it to him myself." Dumbledore muttered to himself. He looked up at Harry. "Harry, my dear boy, you see, when you get older…your body starts to change. For example, your glands become more active and-"

"Sir…I was thinking more about the paleness, eyes bleeding from sunlight thing?" said Draco, rolling his eyes.

"Oh!" he clapped his hands to his mouth. "I'd almost forgotten! Harry, it seems that you are a vampire! Isn't that lovely?"

"…"

"Draco is a vampire as well! He happens to be a very successful one at that, and I'm sure you could learn a lot from him!"

"…"

"Which is why, I'm going to put you two in a room together (how cliché!). That way, Draco can teach you the way of the vampire and how to control yourself."

"…"

"And I'm completely disregarding the rule about mythological creatures being allowed in Hogwarts. Also, to make you even more uncomfortable, I'm giving you both a cramped living space with only one bedroom. And, I think that, with both of you being rivals, it really is best to shove you two together under such circumstances! It will be a great chance to start a spectacular friendship!" With that said, he gave Draco the directions, instructions, and password to their room, everything they would need to get through the year.

Draco thanked the headmaster and turned to Harry. "Come on Potter, let's go."

"…"

"Oh for god's sake." Draco picked up the very immobile Harry, and threw him over his shoulder. Then he proceeded to walk down the very crowded hallways with the Boy-Who-Lived slung on his back; oh the rumors would sure be fun to hear the next day.

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Draco finally sat down in defeat. He had tried very hard mind you, but Potter would just not come out of his state of shock. Draco had thrown water on his face, put ice cubes down his pants, smacked him multiple times, tried jinxing him, force fed him Madame Pomfrey's Shock Solution, mocked him, threw objects at him, screamed loudly in his ears, and even set Harry on fire, but this boy would just not revive. Finally he brought Professor Snape to their room for help. (SNAPE IS NOT HIS GODFATHER! RAWR! He was simply his favorite teacher and head of his house.)

"You don't think he…died, do you?"

"One can only hope." replied Snape, poking Harry's face with his finger. His face turned back into a frown. "No. He's still breathing."

"He won't do anything! Is he in a coma?"

"No…unfortunately. It's just shock."

"Oh…"

"Just let him be, he'll come back to his senses soon, you can try to bring him back to his conscious mind, but he's so thick headed, I doubt there's much you can do. Good luck." Snape left the room, whistling a happy tune.

Struck by an idea, Draco crept up behind Harry and screamed at the top of his lungs, "OH MY GOD!! VOLDEMORT!!"

The reaction was priceless. Harry jumped about a foot in the air, and had his wand whipped out before his feet touched back to the ground. He screamed, "WHERE!?" looking around frantically in all directions. "QUICK DRACO MOVE!" and he shoved the blond boy down do the ground. "TAKE COVER!" bellowed Harry, shouting random jinxes, sparks flying wildly from his wand.

"Harry!" Draco smacked the Gryffindor across the face. "Voldemort's not here, I was just joking."

Harry looked around. "Oh…" murmured softly. "I'll just…um…I'll…" and he walked away in the direction of the cramped bedroom.

Draco stared after Potter, he actually seemed like his feelings were…hurt. But they couldn't be, he was 'The Chosen One', he had too much pride…right?

Potter froze on his way to the bedroom and turned slowly back towards Draco. "You said his name." he whispered, astonished.

"So?"

"I-you…but I thought…the dark mark…branded…like your father…isn't he…but…I…"

"Stop blabbering Pothead."

Harry gave Draco a critical look and opened his mouth to say something, thought better of it, and shut it again. He walked back to the bedroom, and opened the door, walked in, and shut it with a snap.

Draco heard a startled cry from inside the room: "WHAT THE HELL?!"

Harry sped out of the room, trying to put as much space between him and the accursed area and shrieked, "THERE'S ONLY ONE BED IN THERE!"


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS! Alright, well…no one guessed what my favorite book was, so I'll give up on that. Sorry for the wait, here's chapter four!

(Sorry Crick; you didn't guess right—it was Dumbledore-but you guessed Snape, so you get a cyber cookie! Cause he was actually in the story!)

Chapter Four: It's not Harry's time of the month. Bitch.

"Stop breathing in my ear, Potter." mumbled Draco through gritted teeth.

"Well sorry, but I can't exactly move. Unless of course, you'd prefer that I slept on top of you."

Draco uttered a scream of frustration.

"I thought not." said Harry, smirking.

"This is insane!" cried out Draco in a sudden outburst. "I know Dumbledore warned us that we would be cramped, but forcing us to share a single bed! That's just cruel!"

Harry kicked Malfoy in the shins, which was difficult to do while lying down. "Shut up! I want to go to sleep."

"So do I! But if you keep playing footsies with me, that's not going to happen now is it?"

"I know what to do."

"And what's that?"

"This." And Harry shoved Draco off the bed. He yelped in surprise and landed ungracefully on the floor.

"Potter!"

"Goodnight Draco."

"Oh, you think you're actually going to get away with that? Please." Draco stood up from the ground and walked over to the bed. "Wake up sunshine!" he yelled and did a body slam on top of Harry.

"Oof!"

"Goodnight Harry."

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"No thanks, I'll have the corn muffin."

Harry opened his eyes after hearing this unusual choice of words. When everything came into focus, realization hit him like a ton of bricks. He was lying in bed, cuddling, yes, cuddling, with Draco Malfoy. Thankfully Malfoy was still asleep, but not for long.

"HOLY FUCK!" screamed Harry, throwing Draco off his neck and flailing about on the bed.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" yelled Draco, becoming alert after such a rude awakening. He fell onto the floor, pulling Harry down with him.

Harry groaned and shut his eyes tight. His spaz attack hadn't helped at all. They were still in exactly the same position- except now they were on the floor. He started beating his head on the floorboards, hard, wondering where his life went wrong. _Oh yeah, when Voldemort killed my parents, that would be it._ "Get- off- me." he said in-between the dull thudding of his head hitting the ground.

Draco rolled off of Harry and stood up. He glared and alleged, "We will speak of this to no one."

"Agreed."

Draco left the bedroom, _probably going to spend hours on his hair,_ thought Harry miserably. He stayed on the ground, continuously loosing brain cells. Soon enough, Malfoy came back into the room.

"Potter, we should go."

Harry turned his head in Malfoy's direction. "Do you mind? I'm a bit busy here." And he proceeded to smack his head back to the ground again.

"We have to go to class."

Harry looked at the conveniently placed clock. "Oh fuck, let's go."

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"So…do you want any blood….?" asked Ron, looking nervously at Harry.

Harry glared at Ron with his 'black and dead eyes'.

"To…flow through your veins?" he carried on, desperately looking at Hermione for help.

Hermione looked at Harry angrily. "Why didn't you tell us that you were a vampire Harry? We're your friends, we would have understood."

"I just found out yesterday!"

"Well, you should have come straight to us. I was worried all night because you never showed up in the common room."

"Well…sorry." he mumbled in defeat, laying his head in his hands.

"What's wrong Harry?"

"My scar…it just keeps burning."

"Really?"

"No. I just the wanted attention, I'm tragic…. It's time for class."

As they were walking, Ron and Hermione slowed down a bit, as to be further behind Harry. "Is he acting a bit off his rocker today, or is it just me?" asked Ron.

"There's definitely something different about him…"

"Besides the fact that he could eat us?"

"Yes Ronald, besides that. He seems very…touchy. I should research vampires in the library."

"Yes, when in doubt…go to the library!" said Ron, rolling his eyes.

"STOP TALKING ABOUT ME!" screamed Harry. However, since Ron and Hermione were so far behind Harry, to the other students it just looked like Potter's past was finally getting to him and he had become paranoid. People giggled nervously and walked to their classes, spreading tons of rumors along the way.

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As Draco sat down in Potions class, he couldn't help but to overhear Weasel and the Mudblood talking about their favorite subject: Harry.

Said Harry was currently sitting with Neville out of pity, so he wasn't close to his regular companions.

"-there's something obviously bothering him, besides that." added Hermione after seeing the look on Ron's face.

_So they knew._

"But he's like…having mood swings! He's not…pregnant or anything…I mean can he be?" whispered Ron.

_Aha!_

"No…and don't say that he's PMSing either Ronald, he's not a girl. And don't you dare say-" started Hermione dangerously.

"I wasn't going to!" cried Ron, putting his arms in the air in defense. "Maybe…he needs counseling?"

"He'd kill us."

"But if we just suggest it…"

"We'd be planning our funerals."

"Fine. What if we talk to Professor Dum-"

"No."

"ble-"

"Nope."

"-dore."

"Nada."

"You're so difficult!"

A shadow covered the two for a moment.

"As interesting as your conversation may be Ms. Granger, I suggest you wait until after class to talk about it with dear Mr. Weasley. Ten points from Gryffindor." sneered Snape, walking away swiftly.

Meanwhile, on the other side of class, Harry was having difficult problems of his own.

"No, Neville, you take the seeds out of the bag, before you put it in the cauldron."

"Harry, I just get so nervous! I can't do it; here you do the next step."

"Fine…what is it?"

"Add half a clove of garlic." Neville held out the garlic towards Harry.

A sudden fear consumed Harry. Cold sweat trickled down his forehead, his breathing became ragged and his pupils wide. He looked around the room frantically for an excuse to leave.

"Harry…are you alright?" asked Neville looking worried.

"It's my…my um…scar, it burns!" and he fled the room, not daring to look back.

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Draco walked into his and Harry's room only to find 'The Chosen One' lying on his back on the small bed.

"Hey, Scar-head."

"Stuff it, Ferret-face."

Draco couldn't help but laugh.

"What!?" spat out Harry.

"I know what's wrong with you."

"BESIDES FOR THE FACT THAT I'M A FUCKING VAMPIRE!?"

"You're hungry."

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Ohhhhh a cliffhanger!!! YAY! THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS I'M JUST KIND OF IN LOVE WITH YOU ALL! KEEP REVIEWING! KEEP REVIEWING!!(pwease!)


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Alright. So…after hearing that people were excited to find out who Harry was going to feed off of, I'll admit it, I had a complete 'oh. fuck.' moment. I completely forgot that he had to actually eat/suck/drink/kill someone… I know, what kind of an authoress am I? I just don't know….BUT. HAVE NO FEAR! I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING!

(Thanks again to my amazing friend Nicole for pulling through for me!)

And...Thanks very much to my new beta—Slash Addict Self Help Group—Heart you!

Chapter Four: Blood is in the Air

Harry stared at Draco. "What?"

"You're hungry."

"But…but…I haven't been hungry for two months!"

"Okay, sorry. You're thirsty."

"No. No, I'm not. I refuse."

"If you don't drink anything, you'll just end up like Jimmy McFarful."

"Who's Jimmy McFarful?"

"Exactly."

Harry swore under his breath. He couldn't do this. Tear up human flesh, watch as blood poured from blue veins, and lap it up like a dog? Harry clutched his stomach unexpectedly.

"Potter? You okay?"

Hand crammed over his mouth, Harry sprinted into the bathroom.

Draco sighed and sat down on a wooden chair. This could take a bit. He heard a whine "Ewwwww…" from behind the bathroom door and a toilet flush. Potter returned a bit shaky, but he'd be okay.

"Finished?"

Harry groaned and looked at the ground. "Yeah," he muttered.

"Listen, really. You have to do this. Honestly, it's not that bad."

"I…I can't."

"You don't have a choice."

"I can't…eat people! That's cannibalism!"

"Cavemen did it…"

"I'M NOT FALLING INTO PEER PRESSURE!"

"Chill out, Pothead. I'm not trying to sell you drugs."

"Really? Cause I'd sure as hell rather be smoking dope than eat a person!"

"Why don't you go eat Voldemort?"

"EW!"

"What?"

"I'm not putting my mouth on his neck! What do you think I am? Gay?!"

"Yes."

"HEY!"

"Sorry, but do you know any straight guys that shriek, 'EW!'?"

Harry glared at him. "Some do. Like Loc-"

"If you say Gildory Lockhart, you'll be laughed at mercilessly."

Harry pouted and stamped his foot. "Damnit!"

Draco pointed to the door. "Go. And don't come back until you've drank some blood!"

"But…but you don't understand. I really can't…I just…I…"

"What are you; squeamish or something?" asked Draco, laughing.

Harry looked up at him miserably.

Draco couldn't help it. He just started cracking up and laughed and laughed. Then he paused for dramatic effect to make Harry think he was going to stop but just laughed some more. Finally, he finished, wiping tears from his eyes.

"Sorry, Potter…but oh, that's just so unbelievably pathetic."

"Thanks."

Draco lunged forward and grabbed Harry's arm. "Come on, Potter. We're killing the first person we see."

The two boys walked out of their room and searched the hallways for unsuspecting prey.

"Boys!"

Harry and Draco jumped and turned around to see who had spoken.

"Would you care for a lemon drop?" Professor Dumbledore offered to Harry and Draco.

"No thanks, professor. We're just um…looking for…the…um…"

"The meaning in life, sir," prompted Harry.

"Oh, well do have fun boys! Be safe!"

Draco let out a frustrated breath, "Alright the second person we see…"

"HIYA, HARRY! OH, YOU'RE WITH DRACO MALFOY. WHY? CAN I GET A PICTURE? WILL YOU SIGN IT!?" squealed Colin Creevey, jumping up and down on the balls of his feet.

Draco looked at Harry and grinned evilly.

Harry sent him back a pleading look.

"Sure, Creevey, we'll take a picture. Hey, I'll take one of you and Harry. Hand me your camera." But instead of taking the camera, Draco pinned the boy against the wall. He turned back to Harry.

"Now, Potter, it's pretty simple. All you have to do is insert your head here." He placed his head in the crook of Colin's neck. "Then you put your teeth here." Draco clamped his teeth down on the boy's skin. "And then," he said muffled by the bit of skin in his mouth, "you suck."

Harry's breath caught in his throat. He looked at the look of horror on Colin's face and the one of pleasure on Draco's. He could smell blood, the sickly sweet scent; and Harry wanted to taste it but didn't know how. He felt light headed; the walls were spinning; lights were dimming; he felt himself slide down the rough, stone wall and couldn't remember anymore.

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Harry slowly opened his eyes. What happened? Oh yes, he acted like a squeamish pansy. He realized that he was lying on the dreaded single bed. Drained, he got up and walked into the 'Common Room.' Draco was sitting on the couch reading a book.

"You know what I don't get…" started Harry.

Draco looked up in him in surprise to see that he was awake.

"How come vampires can't sleep, but I can become unconscious. Also, how were we sleeping in the last chapter if it wasn't actually possible for us to do so?"

Draco furrowed his brow in confusion and sighed. "BALANCED INSANITY!"

Balanced Insanity: What?

Draco: YOU DID IT AGAIN! WHY ARE YOU SO RETARDED?

Balanced Insanity: Look, I'm sorry! I obviously don't get enough sleep. Alright, you were resting. That's completely different than sleeping, okay?!

Draco: Fine.

"Alright, that's why, Harry. Anymore questions?"

"Yes, what are you reading?"

"Oh, this? Um, it's nothing really…just a dictionary." He stuffed the book into the couch cushions.

"You read the dictionary in your spare time?"

"…duh! Doesn't everyone?"

Harry raised his eyebrows at him.

"Fine," said Draco in defeat. He threw the book at Harry. "I did warn you."

Harry looked at the cover. "WHAT THE HELL?! HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE!?!?!?!?!?!"

"Told you so."

"OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Black wings burst through Harry's back and he charged at Draco. Harry pinned down Draco easily for being so small and scrawny. He glared at him with all the hate he could muster.

"Nice fangs" said Draco, smirking.

"Who…gave…you…that…book?" he asked dangerously.

"Your mom."

"Wrong answer."

Harry drove his head at Draco's neck. He bit down hard on his pale skin. "This, Draco, is how it's done." Harry tasted mouthful after mouthful of warm blood trickling down his throat and instantly making him feel like new. He felt strong, more powerful, and ready to take on new challenges. "In pain yet?" he panted out.

"Oh god, Harry! Don't stop, please!" moaned Draco in pleasure.

"HOLY FUCK!" screamed Harry as he jumped off Malfoy. He looked at him in horror. Draco just gazed at him smugly.

"That…that….that, but you…you're not…but…I…YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO ENJOY THAT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SUFFER, BE IN PAIN…NOT BE ALL…ORGASMIC!"

Draco looked at Harry innocently and licked his lips.

"OH GOD!" screamed Harry and he ran out the room.

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Hah! Didn't see that coming now did you? Well, maybe you did…I don't know. I'm just trying to make cliché, un-cliché….you know? Oh well…REVIEW! I REFUSE TO UPDATE UNTIL I GET…15 REVIEWS!


	6. Chapter 6

"Turn to page 394." demanded Professor Snape in a dangerous voice. And the students obeyed. "You will be working in pairs…because it's cliché." He glanced at Harry, who was doodling, and Draco who was staring at Snape with rapt attention. He peeked at his script lying on his dark, wooden desk. "Potter…Malfoy. You two are partners…I honestly don't care about anyone else…The potion directions are in your book, you have an hour. Begin."

Harry reluctantly sat next to Malfoy, scooting his chair as far away from him as possible. Draco turned towards him.

"Potter, your potion skills are abysmal…no offense."

"None taken."

"How about you just read me the directions and I'll do the potion?"

"Fine by me." Harry opened his book to page 394 and looked at the title. _Sensual Simmering. _Harry blinked. "What the hell are we making? Lube?"

"What?" asked Draco.

"I said…do you want a…sugar cube?"

Draco stared at Harry for a moment. "How about you just read those directions then, Potter?"

Harry grumbled something incoherent and started reading. "First…make sure the water in the cauldron is boiling hot. Be certain that flames are licking the bottom tenderly…"

Draco raised an eyebrow at Harry.

"I'm just reading what the book says." he mumbled, blushing slightly. Sex-NEXT. Next, add the moon moa-stone. Pick from one of the three animals- rabbit, newt, or penguin and add the orgasms, ORGANISM'S tail. Make sure to add the crushed mineral condom…corundum first." Harry blurted out very fast, closing his eyes and turning away, so he wouldn't see Malfoy laughing at him.

Amazingly enough, Malfoy suppressed the laughter and instead, said ever so smugly, "Something on your mind, Potter?"

"NO! I'M NOT FEELING SEXUAL TOWARDS YOU IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN!" he shouted.

The entire class went dead silent and stared in shock at the pair of boys. Harry turned to face the majority of the students. "That…that was, well...you see me and Draco are trying out for this play…"

The class groaned and turned away, clearly fascinated with neither Draco nor Harry anymore.

Malfoy had almost his entire fist in his mouth, trying with all his might not to lose it completely. Harry glared at him and muttered, "Shut up." and went back to the potion-making.

Harry looked at Malfoy. "Do penguins even have tails?"

And Malfoy couldn't help it; he lost it completely, all over the potions floor.

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Harry and Draco were currently sitting in Dumbledore's office once more. They had been called there, again, without any explanation. The door opened and Dumbledore waltzed in, bearing a huge grin.

"Boys…boys boys boys boys boys…"

"Yes?"

"It has come to my understanding that both of you are bit cramped. Luckily for you, I pulled some strings and got you another bed! Isn't that exciting!?"

"Professor…we don't sleep." said Harry.

"Well except for that one time when-"

Balanced Insanity: SHUT UP!

"Oh pish posh!" exclaimed the old man. "You get a new bed anyway. Now…there was something else I wanted to tell you two…what is it…erm…" He trailed off, looking around the office for an answer. "Oh yes! Draco…you killed Colin Creevey. That's…well, that's not good."

"He was bugging me, sir."

"Well, Professor Hagrid sometimes bothers me, but you don't see me eating him do you?"

"No."

"Well…I guess you'll just have to apologize."

"He's dead, professor."

"Ah…well…ten points from Slytherin, I'm afraid. The boy did bother me a bit, too" he added in an undertone. Alas! I've just remembered! Draco, you have not been doing very well training Harry. There is much that he needs to learn, I trust that you will start giving him lessons."

"Yes, sir." answered Draco.

"Why am I here professor?" asked Harry suddenly.

Dumbledore simply smiled at him. "And who are you little boy?"

Harry smacked his hand to his face. "I'll see you later." he muttered to Draco and left. Walking down the hallways, Harry began to reflect on everything that had happened to him so far. He also wondered if he, a vampire, were to cut himself…would it do anything? "Maybe if I got a silver cross dagger…"

"Harry!"

Harry spun around in surprise; Draco came trotting up to him, grinning.

"Hullo."

"Hi, I was just wondering…when do you want to start lessons?"

"Sooner than later I expect. Draco, I have a question."

"Shoot."

"Well…you seem to have a lot more experience than I do about being a vampire…but how does that work out? You're only a month older than me."

Draco scratched his neck awkwardly. "Oh, there are other times for such chatter, Harry! Come on, I'll race you to the room!" he ran off at the speed of light, whipping around the corner before Harry could utter another sound.

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There was complete silence in the room. Draco stood on one side, Harry on the other. Draco was sighing, clearly bored. He'd been vertical (HAHA NICOLE) for nearly an hour. Harry was facing him, eyes screwed up in concentration, the left one twitching, face turning purple.

"Harry. Stop."

Harry let out a huge breath. "I CAN'T DO IT!"

"Clearly."

They were in the middle of Harry's first lesson. Draco was trying to teach him how to grow out his wings, but Harry was a failure.

"Alright…Harry, listen. I know that you can produce a patronus…so, let's think of it this way. When performing the 'Expecto Patronum' spell you think of something really happy, right?"

"Yeah…"

"So…now you've got to think of something, or someone, who makes you bitterly angry. Can you do that?"

Harry glared at Draco. "I think I'm capable of doing that, Malfoy." he snarled.

"Good, now try again."

Harry shut his eyes and thought of all the times that Draco had been cruel towards him and his friends. He strained all the muscles in his back, pleading for the wings to burst through, but nothing happened. He heard a very badly stifled laugh and opened one eye up.

"You don't have to look so constipated, Potter. Are you sure your thinking of someone you hate?"

"Yes." said Harry, glaring pointedly at Draco.

"No, someone you really, really hate, you despise them!"

"I certainly despise them."

"As in, if they were in this room right now…you'd completely rip their head off!"

"Yes!" shouted Harry, looking vicious.

"Alright, try again."

There was a brief silence, where Harry struggled with his innermost demon, and Draco casually watched.

"FUCK!" screamed Harry suddenly. "I ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVLEY, HATE YOU! WHY WON'T THESE EFFING WINGS FREAKING COME OUT OF MY DAMN BACK!?!?!?!"

Draco laughed. "Maybe you don't actually hate me."

Harry glared at him with a fierce. "Oh I can assure you that I do."

Draco looked like he was about to say something but Harry cut him off with his almost violent raging.

"I HATE THE WAY THAT YOU TREATED ME AND MY FRIENDS FOR SIX FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE! I HATE HOW EVERY TIME I WAS FINALLY HAPPY YOU MADE SURE TO SPOIL IT FOR ME! I HATE HOW YOU'RE ALWAYS ON MY CASE, HOW EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE! I HATE THAT YOU ONLY HAVE TWO FACIAL EXPRESSIONS: A SMIRK OR A SNEER! A HATE HOW YOU HAVE THE MOST GORGEOUS HAIR AND YOU DON'T EVEN USE CONDITIONER! I HATE THAT YOUR TEETH ARE DAZZLINGLY WHITE AND PRACTICALLY BLIND ME WHEN YOU SMILE! I HATE THAT WHEN I'M AROUND YOU_ I_ SMILE AND FORGET ABOUT MY GOD DAMN ANGST! I HATE THAT YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO GOD DAMN HAPPY AFTER BEING WITH YOU, THAT I FREAKING SING IN THE SHOWER AND HAVE DREAMS ABOUT DANCING UNICORNS AND ELVES! I HATE THE FACT THAT WE CUDDLED! AND I DON'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT! BUT MOST OF ALL I HATE THIS!

"Hate wha-" started Draco, but he never had time to pronounce that last 't' sound.

For Harry had launched himself at Draco, wings finally managing to burst through his back, and sent them both tumbling to the floor. Draco caught one last glimpse of Harry's black eyes before he felt chapped, but oh so perfect lips meet his own. Draco opened his eyes in shock and froze for a moment, but when Harry bit down on his bottom lip, Draco couldn't help but to fall into the moment and kiss back, eyes closing. All too soon, Harry broke the kiss and looked into Draco's eyes with an unreadable expression.

"Harry, you don't hate me."


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: So…I was riding on the bus home from school when I realized something…I FORGOT ABOUT VOLDEMORT! Wow, nice. I know. So, he is returning to the plot, who's excited?

THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS!!!

Chapter 7: Voldemort's Return

Throughout the day, Harry avoided Draco the best that he could. This actually proved to be somewhat difficult, for Malfoy was everywhere. Blowing kisses at him in the hallway, raising his eyebrows suggestively, smirking at him…He was always there!

"Harry…did Draco just…spank you?" asked Hermione, eyes wide.

Ron started choking on his pumpkin juice so Harry thudded him on the back. "NO!"

"Oh…it looked like he did…"

"Well, obviously, you need your eyes checked!" he snarled and got up to leave the Great Hall.

"Damn him and his wizard angst…" said Ron quietly.

"I HEARD THAT!" screamed Harry flipping both his friends off.

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Lesson Two: Still, Wings.

Harry was sitting down on the small couch, watching Draco pace before him. He'd been like this for the past ten minutes when finally, Draco said something.

"I've had a thought Potter…"

"Took you long enough." said Harry in an undertone.

Draco flopped down on the couch next to Harry, awfully close. "Maybe it's not anger that gets you to push your wings out…maybe it's" he placed his hand on Harry's knee and brushed it up to his thigh ever so slowly, "sexual tension."

Harry fell off the couch.

"Harry?" he asked, looking down at the other boy.

"That was…I…what?" he stammered uselessly.

Draco climbed off the couch gracefully and then straddled Harry who was still on the floor. "You're so cute when you stutter." He leaned in for another kiss.

"HOLD UP!" Harry yelled, blocking Draco's face with both of his hands. "Let's get some things straight here. Note, how I said STRAIGHT. Because, I'M NOT GAY! Also, I am not feeling sexual tension towards _you_ of all people!" There was a brief pause. "EW!! DON'T LICK MY HAND!" he shrieked, letting go of Draco's face.

"Harry…you're in denial."

"I am not."

"You are gay. I know it, everyone knows it. DUMBLEDORE knows it!"

"I am perfectly straight; I've been with loads of girls."

"Who?"

"Cho and Ginny."

Draco stared at him. "Yeah, you fail. Alright Harry, if you're straight…why did you completely make out with me last night?"

"I did not make out with you! I fell on top of you."

"I see…and I caught you by the lips."

"Yes."

"Okay Harry, then why didn't you get off of me once you 'fell'?"

"Well, given to my new strength, I thought that I had crushed your lungs, so immediately, I started giving you CPR."

"Oh alright…then why was there tongue involved?"

"Well…my hands were trapped-"

"On my ass."

"Yes, I was checking for a broken hipbone. Anyway, since my hands were trapped, I had to use my tongue to open your mouth. And there you have it."

Draco started laughing. "You are so retarded, Potter. Let's see you make an excuse out of this." Without further ado, Draco pinned Harry's wrists above his head with his own hands, and crashed his lips on to the other boys. And no small children, that is _not_ how you give CPR.

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"Sir, Malfoy is molesting me and I no longer feel safe in our room." said Harry to Professor Dumbledore. He and Draco were both sitting in chairs next to one another, opposite to the Headmaster.

"Oh Harry, he has to."

"Why?"

"Because…he's your mate."

"WHAT?"

"Oh just kidding….that gets me every time." said the old man, wiping tears from his eyes, still chuckling.

"Sir…" continued Harry, still breathing rather heavily, "I haven't showed signs of killing my friends…can't I just…go back to my old room?"

"I'm afraid not Harry…there are too many ifs, whys, and possibilities…I'd would much rather you to stay with Draco."

"Sir…he violates me. I feel extremely uncomfortable." Draco goosed Harry and Harry's voice went a couple octaves higher. "Aren't there rules for this sort of thing sir, when one student feels threatened?"

"No…because I've come to the conclusion that you enjoy it."

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Harry stalked down the corridors, angrily. He certainly did not enjoy being practically raped by Draco. Why should he? He was straight…STRAIGHT GOD DAMN IT!! He couldn't _rest_ in the same room with Draco; the boy was much too excitable. He hadn't showered for days in fear, the same reason that he hadn't changed his clothes. Right now, he didn't give a crap about hygiene. Draco said that vampires were like cats, afraid of water, so he offered to "teach Harry how to shower like a vampire". Yeah, like that was ever going to happen. Unless Professor Dumbledore made them, it seemed like something that he would do.

"Harry!" shouted Professor McGonagall. "You haven't turned in your Transfiguration in yet, and it's over due. If you don't turn it in by Friday, I shall have to give you detention. Is something the matter?" she added, after seeing Harry's look of DOOM.

"YES!" he shouted, "SOMETHING'S THE MATTER! I HAVEN'T TURNED IN YOUR ESSAY BECAUSE THE NIGHT IT WAS ASSIGNED I WAS UNCONCIOUS AFTER SEEING COLIN CREEVEY DIE! I'VE BEEN ASSULTED, I'VE HAD EIGHT FOOT WINGS BURST OUT OF MY BACK! I DRANK DRACO MALFOY'S BLOOD AND SINCE THEN HE'S PRACTICALLY BEEN RAPING ME! LORD VOLDEMORT IS STILL ALIVE AND HE'S OUT TO KILL ME, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO RON AND HERMIONE SINCE FOREVER BECAUSE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO LIVE IN THE GRYFFINDOR DORMITRY! BALANCED INSANITY KEEPS MAKING ME RAGE LIKE THIS AND!" he paused to take a deep breath, "AND I'M NOT GAY!"

Professor McGonagall stared at him for a while, and then walked away.

Aw crap, he was thirsty again.

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"LUCIUS! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?!" screamed Voldemort. He and all his Death Eaters were having their weekly Death Eater meeting in the Evil Lair of DOOM. Lucius looked up in surprise, blinking rapidly into the face of EVIL!

"So sorry, my lord, it won't happen again."

"Damn straight…punk. NOW! MY MINIONS!" He spun around and paused for dramatic effect, he was rather good at that. "Firstly, I would like to ask you all for advice. I took the liberty of watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets last night…" All of the Death Eaters stared in a silent fascination.

"…When I noticed something. Lucius and Severus here, they have the dramatic hair _swish._ Does it, or does it not, make them seem more…remarkably evil?"

There was a murmur of agreement among the Death Eaters.

"Now…we are going to vote on the color of extensions I should have put in."

"Um…lord?" spoke up Avery, timidly. "Don't you…don't you need hair first to get extensions?"

"SILENCE! I am the most powerful Sorcerer in the world! Nothing will stop me!"

"Actually Dumble-"

"AVADA KEDAVRA...Now…back to business."

The death Eaters took out their notebooks, ready to take jot down anything of importance.

"It has come to my realization…" started Voldemort, "that Mr. Potter has developed a recent friendship."

A wave of excitement washed over the followers.

"With…DRACO LIND MALFOY!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Malfoy dropped to the ground and started shrieking in horror. "MY ONLY SON!! NO!!!

"YO! DON'T FLIP YOUR LID FOO'!"

That certainly got him to stop.

"This can certainly be used to our advantage boys…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" he paused, "LAUGH WITH ME!!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

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A/N: Well, there you have it. My so-called-friend hmph, told me that this chapter was "one step away from the pit of failure" so I would really, really appreciate some reassurance that it wasn't…please? I am aware that it's not my best…but…I just really wanted to update!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Wow. I have had a severe case of writer's block and I'm terribly sorry. I can only hope that chapter eight makes up for my retarded brain. Merry late Christmas! Happy belated Hanukkah!

Here are some messages for some reviewers I've got some beef with.

**Stormlite02-** I do actually like your suggestion…however…due to my random spurt of writing I forgot to add it into this chapter…I may add it the next one, but…no offense, I'm not that great at keeping promises. Like, my friends wanted me to add something about poprocks and flutes…and I told them I would add it…in my last story, and yeah…that never happened. —I'll try though!

**Fragonknight01-** Was that a flame? If it was, thanks! YES! MY FIRST FLAME! If it wasn't…thanks anyway!

**Crick118-** That really made me feel good about myself- being compared to something as amazing as Potter Puppet pals! I actually used that "angst, angst, angst" in a movie spoof that me and my friends did…it's amazing…if I ever get it on the internet…I'll send you the link!

**QueenGen-**Thanks for quoting me in an away message! I consider that an honor! What part did you use?

**DaveyHavock101-** Thanks for the compliment! I did check out your stories before, but unfortunately, they were Draco/Hermione and I can NOT read that pairing…I apologize. But I'm sure it's good anyways!

**Hmm.-I-Wonder- **I love you dearly too!

Chapter Eight: Awkward Situations

"Harry…I don't know if I feel comfortable with this." voiced Ron, looking at Harry warily.

"Honestly Ron, you won't feel a thing. Maybe a prick or something but you may even find it pleasurable…Draco did. Pleeeaaaasseee?" Harry gave Ron his best puppy dog face.

Ron blinked. "You drank Draco's blood? Well…if he enjoyed it so much, why don't you do it again?" he suggested.

"Because…I didn't feel comfortable?" lied Harry. Not that he wanted to admit it, but he enjoyed every minute of it…but he wasn't gay or anything. Psh. No way.

"You're sure that it won't hurt?" asked Ron, looking like he'd rather be drinking bottle after bottle of Polyjuice Potion than this.

"Positive." replied Harry untruthfully.

"Alright…let me just sit down first." Ron leaned back on a cozy armchair and Harry stood awkwardly for a moment.

"Um…I suppose I'll just…sit…on you…then?" asked Harry embarrassed.

"Oh." said Ron laughing "didn't think about that…oh well." He looked a bit more relaxed with the situation.

"Alright." Harry clambered on top of Ron's lap and put his head at Ron's neck. He grabbed a bit of Ron's skin in his mouth hesitantly. "Well…here it go-"

"HARRY!"

"SWEET JESUS!" Harry leapt off of Ron faster than the speed of light…well…almost. He actually went slower, tripped over Ron's feet and fell on the floor. His legs on Ron's lap and his head and torso splattered on the ground.

"Just WHAT were you doing?" demanded Draco angrily. Only Lord knows how he got into the common room.

"I was…It was just…Ron needed help learning CPR."

Draco stared at him, then his frown of confusion ceased and slowly turned into a mischievous smirk. "Harry…if you needed a dummy…you could have asked me."

"Oh…well…I didn't think of that."

"Well, go on! I'm sure Ron would love to see how it's done!"

"Well actually-" started Ron but Draco cut him off.

"I'm sure. You would love. To see. How it's done." he said dangerously, shooting Ron a look of death.

"Oh…YEAH! Go on Harry!" Ron cried enthusiastically, looking nervously at Draco for his approval.

"Well…erm…" started off Harry clearing his throat timidly. "Lie down." he motioned to Draco.

Draco lied down on the ground, sneering playfully up at Harry. "Next?"

"Well…next I…um…pump the heart…" Harry put his hand on Draco's chest.

"Don't you want to check for a broken hipbone first?"

Harry could have smacked him. "No. I'm sure you're fine."

"But can you ever really be sure?"

Harry grabbed Draco's ass quickly. "There! See? You're fine!" he half-shouted.

Ron laughed in the background and stopped when Harry glared furiously at him. "Shut. Up." He looked back at Draco bitterly. "Then you close the victim's nose shut." He squeezed the life out of Draco's nasal passage, trying to make it as painful as possible. "And then…" he gulped. "You breathe into their mouth three times."

Ron started cracking up, and Hermione popped up unexpectedly. Scary stuff.

Harry lowered his head to Draco and their lips met briefly as Harry pumped unneeded air into Draco's lungs. The second time Harry and Draco's lips met, Draco flipped his position and was on top of Harry in the time span of a blink. Both Ron and Hermione jumped in surprise.

"I'm just ever so grateful you saved my life. What can I do for you, Mr. Hero?" asked Draco, batting his eyes and pouting out his lips ridiculously.

"Die." snarled Harry viciously, upset with the fact that he was pinned to the ground in front of his two best friends.

"I have a better idea." Draco leaned in and started to kiss Harry passionately; ravishing the poor, defenseless boy.

"WOAH! HOLD UP!" shouted Ron from behind them.

Draco reluctantly let go of Harry's face. "Yes?" he asked politely, though clearly annoyed at being interrupted from such an enjoyable activity.

"YOU…YOU AND HIM?!" sputtered Ron in disbelief, pointing between Draco and Harry, eyes wide.

"Yes. Harry and I enjoy cardiopulmonary resuscitation very much."

"No! You…you just…you just…..kissed!" he yelled in disbelief.

"Well, yes that sometimes happens when you're in a relationship."

"WHAT THE-" Harry screeched in protest but stopped when Draco clamped his hand over Harry's mouth.

"Harry's very shy about our feelings toward each other and didn't want to tell you guys, but I figure now is a better time as any. Harry dear, biting my hand isn't going to make me move it, it actually just excites me more." he added to Harry who was, indeed, biting his hand furiously, but that last statement got him to stop.

Ron stared at the two boys in horror. "Harry! I'm you're best friend! Why didn't you tell me!?"

"Mhmfmf mffmf mfmff mmmmfmt!"

Ron turned to Hermione who hadn't said anything.

"Well, I think that whatever Harry wants to do, is up to him, isn't it?" she said smartly.

"Ah, I knew you were the clever one!" beamed Draco.

"Harry…you're…you're…you must be sick or something!"

"Sick with love." sighed Draco.

"OH SHUT UP! Harry…you're joking right…this is all just a joke?" begged Ron faintly.

"MFMFFMFFFF!"

Ron sank to his knees and shouted skyward, "WHYYY!!?? OH, WHYYY!?!?!?!"

By lunchtime, the entire school knew of the school's cutest couple.

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Harry sat on the edge of the couch, glaring ruthlessly at Draco who was sitting uncomfortably close to him.

"You know…I'm sure if you just eat you'll feel a lot better about the situation." advised Draco, raising his eyebrows at Harry.

Harry glared at him in reply.

"Food is good for the brain…it makes you-"

Harry lunged forward and grabbed Draco's leg lividly and clamped his teeth on it, sucking blood hungrily.

"Hah." smirked Draco triumphantly. He waited patiently until Harry was finished eating.

Harry let go of Draco's leg and threw it down in disgust. He glowered and said before Draco could open his stupid mouth again, "I only did that to shut you up. And I picked your leg because any other part of you would have caused you to rape me… and I didn't want to lick your feet."

"Fine with me." replied Draco smugly.

"Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Firstly, get your hand off my ass; second, just stop fucking smiling!"

"Alright already, I'll stop." Draco removed his hand and frown from his face. It was no use though, once he turned to face Harry's angry expression he started cracking up.

"JUST _WHAT_ IS SO FUNNY!?"

"Sorry…you just look so cute when you're upset…like a puppy."

"I do not look like a puppy. I am note cute."

"Yes you are."

"_I," _stated Harry defiantly, "am not cute. I am Harry fucking Potter, savior of the wizarding world, defeater of Voldemort, Gryffindor Golden Boy, and Hogwarts Sex God. I am NOT CUTE!"

Draco tried the hardest he could not to burst out laughing. "I'll believe that when I see it."

"Believe what?"

"That you're the sex god."

"Oh...OH. NO. I am NOT falling into you're little ploy just so you can have your way with me. Get those ideas out of your head and stop raping me with your eyes!"

"Harry…I'm sure you would enjoy-"

"I would sure as hell NOT enjoy it! You…you…" he strained to find a good insult.

"I'm just two beautiful for words." Draco flopped over on the couch, now upside down.

Harry, failing for terms, gave up and left the room, slamming the door angrily behind him. He stalked down the halls, muttering to himself, barreling down small children. People like Neville and Dean looked at him sadly in shame, shaking their heads. Others, the gay ones /cough/ like Seamus and Dennis Creevey, who was wearing a mourning ribbon for his brother, tried to ask Harry about Draco's and his "intimate relationship". Harry's reply was to grow fangs; wings snap out of his back and hiss at the offending people. Needless to say, they backed up fast. "I didn't know vampires could hiss…" mumbled Seamus sulkily, walking back to the library.

In Harry's blind rage, he didn't notice that he had stalked right past Fluffy, down a trap door, through Devilsnare, snatched a flying key (he actually flew with his wings, not the broom), played a mean game of chess, battled a troll, and only when he finally considered poisoning himself did he realize his whereabouts. He drank every single bottle of poison waiting for death to creep over him. When it didn't, he tried burning to death. Nothing.

"DAMN IT!" Harry screamed in rage and moved onto the room with the Mirror of Erised.

"Ew." Harry said…Quirrell's body was still there. If you could call it a body, a pile of dust with turban. He walked up to the mirror and looked at it despairingly. Maybe seeing his parents would comfort him. But he didn't see them. Instead, he saw a seventeen year old boy with strikingly blond hair and dazzling teeth, pale skin and pointy face. Harry was staring at the mirror image of Draco Malfoy in horror. He fell to the floor in disbelief.

"Oh my god. I'm gay."

Harry went back into the previous room and tried to kill himself again.

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HAH! I bet you didn't see that coming! Yes, maybe? WHO CARES?! Alright. Now…review and give me plot ideas, I mean…who really wants to wait that long again for an update, really? REVIEW!!!PLEASE!


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Yay! Reviews! Lol, they still don't cease to make me happy! Erm, I just want to apologize deeply for my horrible-ness in updating. I'm really, truly sorry. I've been extremely busy and stressed, and I'm STILL suffering from writer's block, UGH! So, if anyone has plot ideas, I'd love to hear them.

YEAH. I'VE GOT SOME MORE BEEF WITH PEOPLE!

**Charmedsisters-** Yes, Dumbledore and Voldemort are very OOC in my story. It's okay that you don't like them, I don't expect to please everyone. But thanks for the review none the less, I take criticism very well. But since you have this down as one of your favorite stories…I must be doing something right/Big Cheesy Grin/

**MAX OF COURSE**- EWWWWW! EWWWWWW!

**Fragonknight01**- Oh! Okay, it wasn't a flame than, YAY!

**QueenGen**- I feel honored.

**Crick118**—I am defiantly using some of your ideas…no way around it.

**Stormlite02**-HEY! I USED YOUR IDEA! YAY! THANKS!

Annnnnd an extra special thanks to **DaveyHavok**, **Miyavi-Is-Spiggys**, and **Jesse164** for telling their friends about my story! YAYYYY! GO YOU!

Chapter Nine:

Harry lay on his bed, staring blankly up at the dull colored ceiling.

"I'm gay…I'm gay…I'm gay…I'm gay and I'm into Draco Malfoy."

Every time he said 'Draco Malfoy' it usually was followed by banging his head, tears, obscene shouting, or cutting himself. However, this only upset him more, because he was getting a throbbing headache by smashing his head into walls and crying. Also, his voice had gone hoarse from the screams, and when he cut himself, he found that nothing really happened. Damn him and his vampire powers.

Draco walked into the room just as Harry was about to strike himself with a convenient dagger.

"HARRY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" he screamed in surprise.

Harry looked at him sadly. "I'm trying to kill myself. But, it has no effect whatsoever. Look." Harry plunged the dagger into his heart and ripped it out again. Nothing happened. "WHY- WON'T- I- DIE!?" Harry raged, stabbing himself in between yells in a desperate attempt to draw blood. "I'M TIRED OF BEING A VAMPIRE! I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO HOW IT USED TO BE! IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME!?"

Harry collapsed onto the bed and started ranting incoherently into his pillow. Malfoy caught a few words like, 'Kill myself', 'damn prick', and 'Voldemort should just finish me off now'. This caused Draco to laugh.

Harry lifted his head from the pillow and glared at Malfoy. "What?" he snarled.

"Nothing, nothing…" Draco looked back at Harry's angered expression. "God, Harry being a vampire isn't that bad. You're just blowing things out of proportion."

"I'M NOT BLOWING THINGS OUT OF PROPORTION!"

Draco looked at him skeptically. "Of course you're not…"

Harry didn't respond and continued to smack his head against the wall. "I'm tired, I'm a vampire, I hate my life, I'm gay, I'm into Draco Malfoy, I-"

"What was that?" Draco interrupted.

Harry looked up into Draco's eager face. "Oh, shit."

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"What do you think he will do with Draco?" asked Rookwood, peering at the Death Eater next to him.

"Well….my guess is that he's going to do something extremely cliché. Such as, waiting for them to become the best of friends, share secrets, and then have Draco turn him over." answered Snape. "How about you?"

"I think he's going to have a brilliant plan!"

"Gentlemen…" rang out a voice from behind a frilly curtain. "I have done it, I have finally done it!"

"I told you he had a plan!" practically squealed Rookwood.

"I, Lord Voldemort, have…GOTTEN HAIR EXTENSIONS!" Lord Voldemort walked out, holding his head high and sporting long, flowing, purple hair. "Well, what do you think?"

There was a nervous cough among the Death Eaters and someone blew their nose. Voldemort sighed and snapped back his head, purple hair streaming about.

"AH! MARVELOUS!" the Death Eaters applauded, whooping loudly and banging their fist, throwing their first born children.

"Thank you, thank you…" He bowed several times and then sat down on his Dora the Explorer Throne. "NOW! THE PLAN...Who has thought of one?"

His followers looked at one another, confused. He hadn't told them to think out a plan.

"You've no plan!?" he bellowed, standing up.

"Sir…please, it sounded as though you were going to come up wi-"

"SILENCE!" Voldemort caught fire again, though this time he didn't notice it. "DID I, OR DID I NOT, MAKING IT PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME UP WITH A PLAN!?"

He was right. Having a certain hair swish does make you more terrifying. He took a look at their white, frightened faces and couldn't suppress a giggle. He giggled again. His Death Eaters looked more alarmed now than they had when he had them at wand point. Voldemort looked down at the ground, blushing. YES. LORD VOLDEMORT WAS BLUSHING. He looked up and gave a shy smile to Wormtail. "Peter…" he started curling his hair around his finger nervously, "When did you get here?" He giggled once more.

Pettigrew looked at the others for help; they all started whistling and looking at their fingernails.

"Just…just now."

"Oh, well, you should have told me…I wouldn't have made you stand over there all by your lonesome." He waltzed over to Peter and rested his head on Wormtail's shoulder. Pettigrew certainly looked uncomfortable. Voldemort sighed in content.

"My lord-" started Snape.

"SILENCE!" Voldemort was up again, with long jet black wings flapping menacingly on his back. "WHEN I WANT TO BE INTERUPTED BY-" He stopped short after noticing the wings.

The Death Eaters applauded his angry wings, thinking it was a new evil plot.

Wormtail looked up into Voldemort's eager face, "Oh, shit."

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"…and then, after I was traumatized by millions of spiders, Harry forced us to drive a mad flying car to safety. It's not like I even wanted to follow the spiders, he knows that I hate them and-"

"Ronald. Let's skip a couple years ahead. What happened recently; the main reason of you're visit to see me?" asked Dr. Phyllis, the school's new physiatrist.

"Well…you see he's in a new relationship and…"

"Ah, jealousy."

"I AM NOT JEALOUS!" Ron leapt up from his couch-bed, seething in anger at Dr. Phyllis.

She looked at him sternly. "You're obviously angry, Ronald. You see, when you're upset, you start to resemble that of a tomato."

When he shot her a confused look she shrugged her shoulders and said, "It's in the books."

Ron didn't even want to know. "Look, Mrs.…Doctor person. I am really not jealous of Harry, because…he's with this other person that I don't really approve of."

"And why is that?" interrupted Dr. Phyllis.

"Because…that certain person has been our enemy for ages and, Harry never told me about them. Also, it's an awkward relationship."

"Jealously." she tutted.

"I'M NOT JEALOUS!"

"Look, dear, listen to me. Harry's rich, you're poor. Harry's famous, you're his side kick. Harry is exceptional at Defense the Dark Arts and you blow up almost everything you touch. Now that Harry has a significant other and you've never had a girl give you a second look…it just makes sense, doesn't it?" She smiled at him sweetly. Ron looked at her incredulously.

She tilted her head, "How does that make you feel?"

Ron took a deep breath and stalked out of the room angrily. He had to talk to Harry, now.

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"Harry, Harry, Harry…I knew you'd come around eventually."

"I have not _come around_ Draco. I'm not gay, and I'm not into you."

"Don't deny it Harry. It just makes you more cute and irresistible."

Harry gave him 'the look', and sighed in defeat. He had said it, it was out in the open, there was no way going around it. He glanced at Draco looking all damn superior and just…ugh. He felt so stupid. "All right…let's just say…_hypothetically_, that I was interested in a relationship with you. _Hypothetically_." he added again, making sure Draco would notice.

"All right…" Draco waited for Harry's reply.

"I would like to take things slowly…and I wouldn't want to announce it to the world. So, there would be no Public Displays of Affection. Also, I think we should get to know each other better before anything happens."

"Fine by me."

"What? That's it?"

"What, did you want me to have a problem with it? It doesn't matter anyway, seeing as this is a _hypothetical_ situation, right?" Draco smirked at Harry.

"Well…what if it wasn't a hypothetical situation?" asked Harry nervously.

"If it wasn't…I'd still be okay with it. Virgin." he coughed.

"Shut up." Harry smacked Draco on the arm playfully. "Alright, let's do this."

"Do what?" asked Draco, mock confusion.

"Please don't make me say it…" pleaded Harry.

"I have no idea what you're talking about Harry. If you want something, just ask." He waggled his eyebrows.

Harry smacked his hand to his forehead. What on earth was he getting himself into? He turned to face Malfoy. "Draco…are you…interested in being my…boyfriend?" He turned beet red and looked down at the floor.

Draco looked Harry straight in the eye. "I'd love to, Mr. Hero."

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Ron stomped down the hallways, searching desperately for Harry. Finally, he walked up a blank picture frame and said the password that Harry had given him weeks ago. "Deathly Hallows." He had no idea what it meant but Harry insisted upon using it. The wall melted away beneath the frame and Ron walked through only to spot Harry and Draco sitting together on the couch. He paused, not wanting to intrude on anything.

"All right, let's get to know each other." Draco looked at Harry. "When's your birthday?"

"July thirty-firmfh!" Harry was cut off by Draco's lips. Yeah, he really wanted to know him well.

Ron tried hard not to scream aloud or faint. His eyes were round but he couldn't seem to pull himself away from the sight in front of him.

Draco stopped the kiss abruptly. "See you later Scarhead." He smirked and made his way towards the door.

Ron sprinted out of the room and ducked behind a suit of armor until Draco's footsteps subsided. Then, he peaked out from his hiding spot ever so carefully. "AHHH!" He was looking right into the face of Draco Malfoy.

"You didn't see anything, did you Weasley?" he growled, showing his fangs.

"No-no…I just…I dropped my book here earlier and-"

"Yeah, that's what I thought. You will speak of this to no one?"

"Well…you see…the thing is they already kind of know…" he trailed off, looking at Draco's fangs wearily.

Draco rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to kill you, you're blood is tainted with traitor."

Ron relaxed visibly. "I'm watching you Weasley. You can't hide." Draco walked away, down towards the library.

Ron walked back to the physiatrist.

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ALAS! I HAVE FINALLY FINISHED! You have no idea how long it took me to write this. I was like, ew, re-write, ew, re-write, over and over again. Hopefully you liked it? Yeah?


	10. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

First off, I want to apologize to anyone, who got a review alert and was all excited to see another chapter; however, this is an author's note. /Tear/ this is my first one, hopefully it will be my last. Okay, well, I have midterms coming up really, really soon, and I thought I would be able to write chapter ten yesterday or today but psh that didn't happen…So starting tomorrow until…next- next Wednesday, I won't be able to update. And, again, I apologize, please stick with me people. You shall get chapter ten coming up…well…I'd say in February. I don't know the precise date, but not on the third because my friends and I are going to be filming our second Harry Potter spoof.

PLOT IDEAS ARE STILL SEVERLEY NEEDED—PLEASE REVIEW ME IF YOU HAVE ANY!!!!

In deepest regrets, Balanced Insanity—I'll make it up to you guys, I promise, I will! I'll, I'll even put Dracolicious in my next chapter even though I despise that song!! But really, I need ideas, please review/PM/ask for my screen name and then IM me, no matter how stupid or boring or point/plot less you think they are, they may get me to think of something!

P.S.S. Look out for another one-shot, coming your way soon! (After chapter ten of course!)


	11. Chapter 10

A/N: You guys…I am SO EFFING SORRY. Ever since I posted that I was like, 'I'm such a horrible person, I feel so bad…I just CAN'T WRITE!' But then, it took FOREVER, but I got something down. Right now I want to thank all of you for waiting, and you also made me appreciate you all a lot more and I was all, 'awwwwww' after reading my reviews. Thanks for sticking with me guys, I LOVE YOU! HUGS ALL AROUND!

And dude, because **ChantelFlameshadow** actually likes me, we talked online and she, along with the help of **Max** surprisingly, came up with a pretty good plot idea for my story, because I think I was going insane and I couldn't think of anything for the life of me. But hopefully, I'll be okay for the next couple of chapters…hopefully. Ideas are still appreciated though.

And my apologies to DaveyHavock101, I didn't get around to adding Draco-licious in this chapter, I just can't seem to find a place where it will fit.

ALSO! Thanks to my beta (Slash-Addict-Self-Help-Group) as always, she did point out that I made Harry be sleeping, AGAIN! I couldn't really change it, so he's RESTING! Yes…there IS a difference. Don't mess.

Thanks ChantelFlameshadow and Max, you guys have been great help!

Chapter Ten: Rants, Jealousy, and Sexy Horses

"…and then he just kissed me, right there. I mean I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet! He must have thought I was a slob or something. I just...I don't know... did I make the right choice?"

"Only you can decide that, Harry. If he really, truly cares about you, you'll know it."

"But shouldn't that take time? I don't really know how much he cares about me. I mean…I suppose he must if he wanted to be with me," he glanced at her nervously, "right?"

Dr. Phyllis looked down at Harry in pity. "Jealously."

Harry whipped his head around. "Come again?"

"Harry, if you're so worried about making sure that he feels affection towards you, as you do for him, make him jealous. Then you'll be sure to know."

Harry pondered the idea for it a bit. "Are you sure this will work?"

She looked at him. "I would do it. It can't go wrong, can it?"

Harry stared at her. "Actually, it could go terribly wrong…but what the hell! Thanks!" With that said, Harry brushed past her and out of the cramped office. He had to put this new-fangled 'Jealously Plan' into action!

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"Make way for the couple." A couple of Ravenclaw boys sniggered as Harry and Draco walked past. Someone wolf whistled at them, causing more students to laugh.

"OH MY GOSH! WE ARE NOT GOING OUT!" Harry screamed, glaring at his fellow classmates.

"Sure…whatever you say, Potter. It does make people wonder about that tattoo though…" he trailed off, smirking.

"What tattoo?" Harry looked at Draco, fairly concerned.

"Huh?" Draco faked innocence rather badly. He coughed and put his hood over his head. Harry glared at him, a mixture of suspicion and anger burning in his fierce green eyes. He decided to let this go. He did not want to see anything etched into Draco's skin. Draco started whistling and walked down the corridor, letting the insults bounce off him. Harry though, who was filled up with so much wizard angst and raging hormones, was not going to take anymore crap from his fellow peers. He rounded on the students angrily, and let loose.

"LISTEN HERE, YOU LOT. THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN MALFOY AND ME, AND THERE NEVER WILL BE! HE MEANS NOTHING TO ME AND HE IS THE MOST ANNOYING PAIN IN THE ARSE ONE COULD EVER IMAGINE! I HATE HIS STUPID FERRET FACE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE COULD EVEN HAVE THE FAINTEST IDEA THAT WE COULD BECOME FRIENDS, LET ALONE FORM A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP! I ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY HATE HIM! AND IT WILL NEVER CHANGE! NEVER!"

The students, unfortunately, or fortunately, however you like, didn't understand Harry's rant. Yes, it was all in caps lock, I know, but they didn't comprehend because poor Harry was filled with so much damn wizard angst he had yelled the entire thing in Parseltongue. So, to the students, it sounded more like, "HISS SIIAHHASSEEHETHHH…SSIIIIIIIII HISSSSS SLITHERRRR HASSHHHHH SSSSSSSSSS SSSWWWIIIIIIISSHHHH SWUUUUUUU SSSSS HISSSSSS!" They all nodded with wide eyes and left the area, avoiding the blank bit of wall near Moaning Myrtle's Bathroom. Harry may have just called the Basilisk on them all again.

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Harry kept muttering random, violent thoughts while stomping down the hallways with Draco. Yes, he may have over reacted a bit, but they all needed a reality check. Well, yes, Harry was going out with Draco, but the whole school didn't have to know, or criticize him about it. He turned to Draco suddenly.

"Can you believe them? The nerve! Well, it's a good thing I told them off, hopefully now they won't bother us anymore."

"Yeah, you told them, Harry." Draco said, still not having a clue as to what Harry had said previously. But he wasn't about to let him know that. Harry was lethal. And no, regardless to what some people might think, just because Draco is in Slytherin, it does not mean that he can understand Parseltongue! Gosh! "Hey, let's talk about something else." suggested Draco, he didn't like it when Harry was in a bad mood.

"Like what?"

"Like…I don't know, Harry. Anything you'd like to talk about?" Once Draco saw the sudden darkening of Harry's eyes, he knew this was a bad suggestion.

"Let's talk about how horrible my life is!" he practically shouted, startling a couple Hufflepuff wimps, I mean, just people nearby.

"I was thinking of something a bit more happy…" trailed off Draco hopefully. Harry was in 'one of those moods' again. "HEY! I know what will make you happy!"

"What's that?" Harry scoffed.

"Let's go hunting tonight! You can even kill that stupid Ravenclaw boy if you want to!"

"That is pretty tempting," Harry agreed.

The two boys smiled mischievously and stalked down the halls, in search of their pansy-boy prey.

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Draco walked into his and Harry's room only to find Harry, _'RESTING!'_ at his mahogany desk. Draco was just about to scream, "WAKE UP DARLING!" obnoxiously in his ear when he spotted something; a piece of parchment right next to Harry's head, partially hidden. Seeing his name on it, Draco pulled it out carefully. He almost started cracking up as he read the title: Draco's Jealously Plan. Could he be more obvious? He read the markings scribbled underneath the title, 'Hermione, Ron, Blaise, Seamus, Dean, Ginny, Cho' under 'Possible Candidates'. What was this all about? Draco started to feel a bit uneasy. So…Harry, his Harry, was going to attempt to make him jealous…for what? What on earth would that accomplish? Well, Malfoys are exceptionally good at wearing callous masks; Harry would never know if he was jealous or not…and that would certainly drive him up the wall. This would be very interesting…

Draco did a double take, he thought he had just seen- but no, it wasn't possible. Holy shit, it was. "HARRY!" he screamed, rather loudly, causing the Gryffindor to jump up and awaken in surprise.

"W-what?" he stammered groggily, putting his glasses back on.

"Just…" Draco took a breath and started pacing about, "Just WHY are you posing NUDE with A HORSE!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Harry's face burned bright red and he looked around the room, for a means of distraction.

"WELL?"

"Uhhm…I'm tired of people seeing me as 'just Harry', so I thought I'd take a huge step out into the hard, cold, cruel world and see my options?"

Draco stared at him, and read off the article a bit more.

"Err…Draco you probably don't want to read th-"

"WHAT THE HELL!? YOU'LL HAVE SEX WITH A HORSE BUT NOT ME!?"

Harry grimaced and asked, "Jealous?"

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A/N: Yeah, I know that was short. I'M SORRY! I'm still having that horrible case of Writer's Block and I was forcing myself to write like a crazy person. Please review! I'll keep writing, maybe it will be longer next time? Sorry if you got all excited and thought that chapter was shit, I'm trying, I really am!

REVIEW!! PLEASE!! I know it don't deserve it….but…PLEASE!!!!


	12. Chapter 11

A/N: Well…I'm getting really bad at updating…wow. I apologize…I actually had a lot of schoolwork and I went to California for the four day weekend, (hah mine was a seven day weekend yo!) snow days, illness, etc. Uh…so…I guess the chapter will start now unless I have to anything to say to any reviewers…/checks last week's reviews/ Okay… I guess you all liked the bit about the horse. Just so everyone knows…I support Dan Radcliff, but come on…you have to poke a bit of fun at him. Actually, that's kind of what my whole story is….heh. Okay then…we press onwards.

Thanks to Nicole for helping out, my wonderful beta, and ChantelFlameshadow (Tally!) who gave me this amazing title.

**Chapter 11: I'm a muthafuckin' P-I-M-P!**

Draco looked up from his four foot long essay on Botbubber Pus to see Harry grabbing his bag and heading towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

Harry spun around, looking very pleased with himself. "Where am I going, did you ask? Well, if you must know…I'm going to _study_ with a _friend_….does that _bother_ you Draco?"

Draco blinked. "No…not really. Have fun, and I wish you luck on your exam."

Harry's grin slipped into a pout. "Damn it!" he cursed and kicked the wall. "Ouch!"

"Don't hurt yourself, dear!" Draco called out nonchalantly, not even glancing up from his essay.

Harry spun around on the spot. "Wait…did you mean that in a caring way…or sarcastic?"

Perplexed, Draco faced Harry. "Erm…both?"

"I see…well, I'm off!" Harry shut the door behind him, leaving Draco confused and somewhat amused.

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"…Harry, I don't know if this is such a great idea. I'm not a very good actress."

"Sure you are, Hermione. Now put on a convincing flirty look…"

Hermione smiled awkwardly, trying to bite her lip, bat her eyelashes, and slowly lick the outline of her lips seductively…at the same time.

"Ah…we're going to have to work on that…"

"Harry…can't you just use someone else? I do not want to pretend to date you! You have a boyfriend!"

"SHHHHHH!!!" Harry smashed his lips on Hermione's and attempted to look as though he was enjoying his self. Draco walked by.

"Hey Harry. Hey, Hermione," he said, too engrossed in his book to even bother looking up. Apparently, Draco was as easily absorbed by books as was Hermione and didn't take notice to much else when reading.

Harry broke free of Hermione and spit continuously on the ground. "Ugh…well, that didn't work."

"Thanks," replied Hermione sarcastically.

"Stupid." Ron looked at the both of them in jealousy and disgust, as the tops of his ears turned red.

"Whoa! When did you get here, Ron?" asked Harry in shock.

"I've been here the entire time, dimwit."

"Oh…well, err, sorry. You can have your girlfriend back." Harry shoved Hermione clumsily on Ron's lap.

"What we need...is a plan. Now-"

"Hey guys!" Seamus Finnegan popped his head in-between some books from the other side of the shelf. "Did you see Pimp My Broom last night on WZRD?"

While Hermione and Ron discussed the Turbo Crazy-Ass pimped broom with Seamus, Harry had a small epiphany. Pimp…Harry could be a pimp…

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Harry strutted down the corridors (very much like his father when he was younger) in pinstripe, making sure that his "bling" and "ice" blinded the entire passerby.

"Yo! Where ma dawgs at!?" he hollered, flashing the nearest 'honey' on his left a gold-toothed grin.

Ron and Hermione came into view, looking extremely uncomfortable in the outfits chosen by Harry. Hermione kept covering her midriff and trying to pull up her skirt, but trying to keep it long enough to cover her butt as well. Ron kept blinking into the strange shades that seemed to magnify his eyes, poking at his cornrows and pulling his pants up that were rapidly sliding down to his knees.

"Isn't that against the dress code?" asked Hannah Abbott, covering her eyes from the glare of the "bling".

Harry had a stereo slung on his shoulder, blasting the newest song by P Diddy. (How a stereo worked in Hogwarts, I'll never know.)

"What's goin' on at da crib, yo? Why y'all crowdin' ma space for? GET OUT DA WAY! GET OUT DA WAY!"

Draco looked at Harry in complete and utter shock. He couldn't move. A fly could have landed on eye and he wouldn't even have blinked. What the hell was going on!? Before he could even register complete words, Harry asked, well, more like, shouted a question at him. "How's it rollin', boo?"

Draco took out his convenient copy of Gangsta Talk fo' Fools and after further research, replied, "I'm fine, Harry…but more importantly…how are you?" he asked, eying him skeptically.

"Yo man, I'm cool-izzle…" He glanced behind him for support.

"Are you sure? You look a bit off…izzle…" replied Draco.

"You must be trippin', dawg! F'realz." He nodded towards Ron and Hermione, and a couple other pimped out students Draco hadn't realized before (mostly girls in revealing clothing and a couple of guys who were speech impaired because of the grillz in on their teeth). "Let's bounce."

And they paraded off into the distance leaving Draco even more confused then he had been before.

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Harry reread his note for the final time before tying it to Hedwig's leg, who was currently residing in Hogwart's owlry. It read:

_Dear Mr. L. Malfoy, _

_I know that you probably still hate me, and may return a letter filled with poison or a killing curse. HOWEVER, I was just wondering if maybe you would be generous enough to let me borrow that awesome pimp cane, I mean, staff of justice that you carry around all the time. You know the one with the snake that you hide your wand in? Anyways, let me know! Hope to hear from you soon!_

_Love, Harry Potter- The Boy Who Lived_

That very evening, Harry received a reply.

_Dear Mr. H. Potter,_

_No._

_Vengeance Will be Mine, Lucius Malfoy_

Harry was almost about to give up hope on getting a pimp cane when he remembered someone else who could help him.

_Dearest Cousin Dudley,_

_I know where you live; I also know a simple curse that will enhance your pig-like features. And also, I know the killing curse. Now, be a good boy and give me your Smelting Stick. You know the one you used to beat me with? Oh, how the tables have turned._

_Harry Potter_

_P.S. This letter will self destruct in ten seconds._

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A/N: MWAHAHAHAHA! You see, I can do ANYTHING with the characters that I want, they are under my control!

Ahem. Anyways, yes, I know, it took me three-ish weeks to update and I apologize severely. Please review anyway and inspire me to write chapter 12!!!

Will Harry get his pimp cane?

Will Ron and Harry get into a fight because Harry was retarded and made out with Hermione!? (I know that was horrible to write).

Will Draco ACTUALLY get jealous!?

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU REVIEW!!!!

P.S. If you have any plans as to how Harry could make Draco jealous, I'd love to hear them!


	13. Chapter 12

A/N: I. Am. So. Incredibly. Sorry. I feel…just oh my god I'm so sorry. I'm becoming terrible at updating…really, yell at me if I take too long. Oh my goodness, thank you all very much for the suggestions. It really helps to get the creative juices flowing. Alrighty then, thanks for the reviews, I really love you guys, I honestly wouldn't be writing this story if the reviews didn't boost my confidence!

Chapter 12: A Sudden Plot Twist…Dun Dun Dun.

The next morning, Harry's pimp cane arrived by owl. He had been eating his breakfast when it landed obnoxiously in the jug of pumpkin juice beside his elbow, splattering the table and himself in the drink. Perhaps it was the foreshadowing of the destruction this device would cause.

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"Oh! Madame Pince! I'll hold the door for you…WITH MY CANE!" Harry tried to prop open the library doors with his cane, but he only managed to put a rather large hole in the wall.

"Oh, I'm sorry, hold on." Harry tugged at his pimp gadget.

"Hi Harry!" exclaimed a cheerful girly voice behind him. It was working; he was attracting the ladies already!

"AHHH!!" The voice sounded a high pitched shriek as Harry's pimp cane came loose and Harry fell on top of the poor second year.

"Oh…hi Colin. What're you doing here?" Harry continued to sit on top of the boy, just in case Draco walked in to the library again.

Colin quickly stuffed his camera behind his back. "Oh…um…I was just…bringing you…GRAPES!"

"Oh jolly good! I'm starved!" Harry looked expectantly at Colin.

"…but I forgot them?"

Harry's smile slipped off of his face.

"SMILE, HARRY!"

Harry fell backwards as the flash from the camera caught him by surprise, and tripped over some puny first years and into a bookshelf.

"Ugh!" His pimp cane flew into the air and hit Seamus Finnegan who was studying nearby, in the face, knocking him out cold. Amazingly enough, Madame Pince had mysteriously disappeared and didn't notice anything had happened.

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It wasn't until Harry had left the library when he realized something. Hadn't Draco killed Colin Creevy seven chapters ago? Oh…something was going on…he could tell. Harry had a nose for suspicious…ness. It was either one of two options. 1. Balanced Insanity was on crack…which was a strong possibility. Or 2. THERE WAS A PLOT AFOOT!

"Hi Harry!"

"AHH!" Harry knocked Hermione on the head with his cane. "Oh, my bad…foo'."

Hermione stared at him. "Okay Harry, this has to stop now. You're not a pimp, you aren't from the ghetto, and those clothes look horrible on you. Not to mention that they're completely against the school dress code. AND you've knocked twelve people unconscious from your cane already."

"Why weren't you knocked out?"

Hermione glared at him. "There is a lot of knowledge in my head Harry…I must protect it."

"Oh…hey, where's Ron?"

"He's in the common room making lemonade."

"…." Harry blinked. "Why?"

"He wants to raise money by holding a lemonade stand." Hermione shrugged. "Well, I've got to go and study! I'll see you later." Hermione left Harry standing very confused. Lemonade? What the hell? Hmm…maybe it will make sense later on in the chapter…

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"FOOLS!" A table crashed to the floor. "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH YOU? YOU FAIL ME EVERY TIME!" Purple hair swished vividly. "MUST I DO EVERYTHING MY SELF? ARE YOU ALL INCOMPETENT!?" Flames spurted randomly across the hardwood floor.

Voldemort breathed deeply and the fires disappeared. "I am going to Hogwarts in disguise. If word slips out…it will be your very head on the line." He stalked out of the room.

"Wow…that was the most in-character Voldemort I've seen since The Half Blood Prince" murmured Wormtail.

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When Harry walked into his and Draco's room the first thing he realized was that Draco was conversing with someone, his head was in the fire. The second thing he realized was that Draco had quite a nice arse.

"But…I can't do that, you don't understand. There's something about him, it's different…" There was a slight pause and then Draco flinched noticeably. "That's unforgivable! I'd get thrown into Azkaban!" Harry almost backed out of the room to give Draco privacy when he heard his name.

"But Harry wouldn't stay in close contact with me then if he knew!"

HAH! IT ALL MADE SENSE NOW!...wait…no it didn't. Harry didn't have a clue as to what was going on. But he did know one thing. There WAS a plot afoot, and Harry was going to get to the bottom of it, oh yes he would. Draco Malfoy, you just…just WATCH OUT.

Harry strolled casually over to where Draco's arse was sticking out of the fireplace. He paused to admire the view.

"SO DRACO!"

Draco fell out of the fireplace and emerged covered in soot, sweating, and having quite a concerning coughing fit. He blinked a few times and finally looked up at Harry when he regained the ability to speak.

"Harry…um…hi."

"Hello to you too."

Draco looked very uncomfortable. "How…how long have you been standing there?"

Harry faked innocence. "I only got here just now."

Draco looked Harry up and down. "I see that you've gotten rid of your…ghetto pimp look-"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Draco suppressed a chuckle. "Alright, if you say so Potty. So…" he inched closer to Harry. "You got rid of that pimp cane?"

"It was a lethal weapon, I believe."

"Ah…I see." Draco pulled in close for a kiss. "I love your regular speech Harry; I can't understand American ghetto-ness very well."

"And I just love you." Harry kissed Draco gently on the lips, closing his eyes in content. He got lost into the moment of bliss and only realized something was happening when Draco pushed him down onto floor, straddling him. Draco had started kissing him more feverishly and seemed to be in a certain rhythm that Harry was trying hard to match. _If there's a Heaven…it must be this._ Harry thought somewhat miserably satisfied.

Harry let out what he hoped to be a sexy moan, but really turned out to be a girlish whimper when Draco's tongue slipped between Harry's lips and into his mouth. Harry unpinned his hands with some difficultly and hastily started pulling off Draco's robes and Hogwarts sweater, struggling with his green Slytherin tie. Draco sighed in pleasure and attacked Harry's lips again, letting Harry run his hands over the Slytherin's pale, cold back. He reached for Draco's belt and…

"LEMON!! LEMON!! OH MY GOD LEMON! I NEED MY EYES FIXED! THEY'RE BURNING!"

Harry and Draco stared in absolute and total shock when Ron came bursting into their room, hands clamped over his shut eyes, screaming in mirth. Both sexually driven boys took advantage of his momentary blindness and straightened their appearances quickly. Harry tried to calm down his best friend.

"Ron, I'm so sorry you had to see that…I know technically it's rated M…but Balanced Insanity got kind of carried away in the moment and-"

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?! I've got LEMON JUICE IN MY EYE! OH MY GOD GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!" Ron dramatically fanned his extremely bloodshot eyes with his hands.

"Oh! Oh of course Ron, I'll just…"

SPLASH. Draco threw a bucket of water on to Ron's fiery red head. He stopped dancing on the spot and blinked the water out of his eyes. "…Thanks."

"No problem." stated Draco looking quite furious from the sudden spectacle.

Ron shook his sopping hair out of his eyes. "So…what were you talking about Harry? Something rated M?"

"Oh…um that was…" He looked at Draco for help.

"We were watching porn."

Ron looked taken aback. "What? Like…together?"

"Yes…we were doing some manly bonding."

"Oh…well that…actually that's really weird. I'm going to leave now." He inched out of the room with a bewildered expression.

"OH WOW!"

Harry and Draco both looked around to see where the sudden exclamation had come from.

"JESUS!" Harry spotted Colin Creevy hanging on their chandelier, camera in hand.

"GET DOWN FROM THERE!" Draco hurled a spell at Colin, causing him to come crashing to the floor.

Harry stared at the sight in front of him. "You're…you're not dead." He said bluntly pointing at Colin.

"…No…I'm not."

Harry looked at Draco waiting for an answer.

"Harry…listen, I can explain."

Harry tuned out his bullshit and thought for a moment.

_Draco never sprouted his own wings before, when Harry had asked Draco how he had more experience than himself, Draco fled from the scene, never giving an answer. Draco fell asleep multiple times, and Harry swore he saw him holding a chewy bar once. Harry had passed out before any blood was drained from Colin, and there was the mysterious fire conversation._

His head was spinning…Draco couldn't have…had everything been a lie from the beginning? Harry turned slowly on the spot and stared at Draco fiercely, who was still blabbering on about resurrection.

Draco stopped talking and gulped after seeing the look of hatred on Harry's face.

"You're not a vampire."

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Yes, yes, I know I'm terribly evil leaving this as a cliffhanger, and for being horrible at updating.

BUT.

I have a nifty little treat for you all. If you guys go to youtube and search 'Harry Potter and the Massive Parody' you will see an insane spoof that I made with my friends which I think, is quite amazing. If you watch it, please give us feed back via PM, leaving comments, or on reviews…and just…review this chapter anyway!!!

I love you all, many thanks! (REVIEW!!!)


	14. Chapter 13

A/N: Hah…wow. I actually confused some people. SWEET. /thinks of something interesting to say/ um….okay….yeah, I'll just start writing the story now.

-Thanks to Nicole,** Slash Addict Self Help Group **(the amazing beta who I don't give enough credit to!), and** Crick118** who I forgot to mention in the last chapter, for giving me quite an amazing plot twist!

Chapter 13: Welcome, Professor Tromedlov!

Draco's eyes went wide and he looked like some sort of fish struggling for water. His rapid blinking wasn't making him look all the more attractive either.

"I…I, what? No! Yes! I mean, what are you talking about?! Of course I'm a vampire, you twit!"

Harry's expression did not change. Normally, he would have found it funny seeing Malfoy stammer but not today.

"Don't lie to me, _Malfoy_," he snarled.

"I'm not lying! What're you-this…this is just insane! I'm a vampire! I have …vampirific traits! I have fangs! I drink blood! I KILLED COLIN CREEVY!" he cried hysterically, pointing at the…clearly dead….boy.

Colin looked at Draco strangely at this statement. He seemed perfectly alive if you asked him but no one ever asked Colin anything. He was just some silly plot point shoved to the side. He had feelings too, you know.

Harry snorted in disbelief. "Oh right, I can see as plain as day that Colin Creevy is dead. How could I have possibly thought of him as alive?"

Colin looked around at the pair of angry seventh years warily.

"This is getting kind of weird…I think I'm just going to leave now…" He gingerly backed out of the room and sprinted out of the door.

Harry rubbed his temple, concentrating, pacing about the main room.

"Now that we've determined that you're not a vampire-"

"I AM!"

"-and that you've been lying to me for _months_, I'm trying to figure out what pushed you to do so in the first place." He paused and stopped pacing, boring right into Draco's eyes.

"Here are my thoughts: one…this is some sinister dark plot, you gain my trust and then hand me over to Voldemort," Harry carried on, ignoring Draco's cringe. "Two, this was some weird lie to become my friend…or…something more," he added uncomfortably, blushing a bit, "but that's highly unlikely. Or maybe three, you were just extremely bored, and to get back at me from all our past fights, you plotted some strange, long-term revenge." Harry turned to face Draco.

"So…which is it?"

Draco looked around the room for unattainable help. He blinked away a small trickle of sweat.

"I…well…it's not any of the _said_ options…"

Harry stared him down.

Draco spoke to his shoes, bowing his head in shame. "I…I needed to become a vampire..." he glanced up at Harry cautiously and continued, "for…for him. The task was difficult and needed a certain type of being…I was chosen of course because I failed my last mission." Draco blinked back a few tears, feeling a tingly sensation creeping about his eyes. He drew in a long breath. "I knew that you would help me…because, well, you kind of have this _saving people thing._"

Harry tensed visibly but did not interrupt.

"I knew I could convince you to turn me into one…if things got a bit more…serious." He glanced up at the ceiling, talking to the floating candles. "I know that this seems stupid, and you will most likely think that I'm lying, but you've grown on me Harry. I was never going to turn you in to…to," Draco licked his lips nervously and gulped.

"Voldemort."

"But you were told to; it was your original plan," Harry pressed.

"Yes."

Harry stared at Draco with hurt in his eyes. He felt abandoned, the space of emptiness in his heart growing larger. He could not carry on losing people like this. There was barely anyone to go to. Harry turned around dismally and began to walk out of the room when Draco grabbed his arm in a desperate attempt to keep him listening. Harry whipped out his wand and thrust it right in Draco's face, eyes blazing with uncontained hatred.

"Keep. Away. From me." He spat out, teeth clenched. He roughly broke free of Draco's grasp and took off through the entry.

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Dumbledore speculated the rather ugly man sitting across from his regal desk. He looked vaguely familiar; extremely pale, red, almost glowing eyes, and two small slits for a nose but that _mustache. _He just could not put his finger on it.

"So, you think that you have what it takes to be a Hogwarts professor?" he inspected.

"Why of course! I know all about the dark arts. I know how to make people beg for death, to split the souls in so many pieces you forget who you are, how the diabolical hair swishing will someday RULE THE WORLD!"

"Well, I don't know all about that talk. Usually, students learn about interesting plants in Herbology."

Voldemort blinked.

"Her-Herbology?"

"Yes, I'm afraid that's the only class available for teaching. Unless of course, you'd rather teach Divination, but most students have dropped that class, most unfortunate…" He trailed off, looking out the window with glassy eyes.

"BUT OF COURSE!" Voldemort's shout brought Dumbledore back to his senses.

"I know all about…Crumpled Horned Flower Pots and Venomous Varlyfingled…Fanged….Eurkkblah Vines! I can teach them all they need to know about repotting, dangerous seed pods and…such!" he cried enthusiastically.

"Ah, very well then!" Dumbledore looked pleased. "You can start tomorrow morning."

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Voldemort cleared his throat. "Class!"

Students continued to fly paper airplanes, load their wands with hulking spitballs and shout to one another.

Voldemort hated children. They never did listen. He turned to face the chalkboard, and spun around with his purple extensions flying uncontrollably behind him.

"SILENCE!!!!!!"

The students stared at him, some in fear, and others trying to contain their laughter.

"Hmm. Welcome, blessed children, to Herbology. I am your new teacher, Professor Tromedlov. Now…we are here, I suppose, to learn about magical plants." He wiggled his fingers, "WOOO!!!"

No one looked excited.

"Right, well." He sleeked back his hair, in a very Malfoy-ish manner. He peered at the students staring at him in his new glasses he had picked out for himself…he had to look the part.

"Where did your last teacher leave off?"

Hermione Granger's hand shot up in the air.

"Oh, Jesus," Professor Tromedlov muttered under his breath. "Why, how about you, Miss…Mud-Granger."

"We had just started learning about the Vilactuius Verattack Vine, sir."

"Ah…yes…that." He coughed uncomfortably. He grabbed the nearest plant he could reach.

"Well, the Vilvarcus Vertick Vine has many special qualities…could anyone tell me what they are?" He ignored Hermione's frantic waving.

"How about you…Mr. Potter?" He smiled evilly and hovered over the Gryffindor, bringing the tips of his fingers together.

Harry stood slumped against the green house wall, looking fairly uninterested. His eyes were red, puffy, and there were dark circles underneath them. His paleness was unnerving and there was what looked like fang marks covering both of his arms.

"Sir…that's a sunflower." Harry said dryly.

"OH! I SEE HOW IT IS BOY! DON'T GET SMART WITH ME OR YOU'LL REGRET IT! I KNOW SECRETS OF YOUR PAST THAT WOULD HAVE YOUR DEAR MOTHER SCREAMING FOR-"

Professor Tromedlov realized he should stop shouting when the greenhouse caught on fire. He took deep breaths, magically smothering the flames and calmed down. His eyes stopped glowing.

"You're mustache is falling off, sir." Harry said pointedly, still looking bored.

"Class dismissed."

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Hah, yes…not my best chapter, I know. But, I had to explain some things and…I know I'm not great at writing serious stuff, but I tried. I also tried to lighten the mood at the end…did it work?

Please review, and don't forget to check out **Harry Potter and the Massive Parody** on youtube! Thanks to **Ninjaofthedarkness** and **WickedFaerie** for watching it and commenting!

And to everyone who yelled at me to update more…I attempted it! You guys have to yell at me more often…some of you frighten me a bit…heh…/backs away slowly/.


	15. Chapter 14

A/N: Yay reviews! I know last chapter was short…and ultimately pointless… BUT there's some sort of plot forming in my mind…kind of. In addition, I'm also busy with spoofing… my friend and I finished writing the script for the Goblet of Fire…'tis exciting. (If you actually watch and like our spoofs, be expecting two The Sorcerer's Stone and Goblet of Fire parodies in late August.) Uhm…yeah, so that's why I haven't been as consistent with my updates. Okay, now I'm rambling because I haven't actually plotted how this chapter is going to begin…um…err…ONWARDS! (teehee)

Thank you Nicole and Slash-Addict-Self-Help-Group!

Chapter 14: I Love you, Pettigrew

Brow furrowed, Voldemort crossed out another couple of words. He looked skywards and kept humming his tune, tongue peaking out of the corner of his mouth.

"_And I don't know what'd I do…without you. The rat that you are…I'd search for you….far._" he sang quietly.

He banged his fingers on the piano in annoyance. Some undistinguished pitch screeched back at him. He tapped his foot impatiently and tried his song from the beginning.

"_Your mole shines in the moonlight, let's waltz away the night. SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE! FOR THESE LONG 13 YEARS! I'VE FELT THE PAIN…CRYING OUT MY COUNTLESS FEARS! I CAN'T IMAGINE LIFE WITHOU-"_

Voldemort looked at the shocked eyes of his faithful death eaters. Unsure of what to do exactly, some applauded in a panicked manor. Voldemort blushed when he caught Wormtail's gaze.

"It's not finished yet!" he cried out, sliding gracefully onto his glossy grand piano. "I just don't know what to do. Even with a position at that ridiculous school, I'm sure nothing good will come of it." He paused, "Something…dreadful has happened."

The death eaters crowded around Voldemort's story time rug, some hugging favorite teddies, other rolling their eyes.

Voldemort took a deep, cleansing breath. "Rumor has it…that the school's most favorite couple… has broken up."

The death eaters gasped. Lucius cried out, "NOT HANNAH AND SEAMUS!"

Voldemort looked puzzled. "Who? I've never even heard of- NO! NOT THEM! HARRY POTTER AND DRACO MALFOY!"

There was a collective gasp of horror throughout the room. What a scandal!

Lucius quickly disguised his look of glee for remorse. His son may be a sissy, but he didn't really want to harbor a queer-o.

"I'm so sorry. I can only imagine the pain you're feeling right now, Lucius."

Death eaters patted his back gingerly, trying to comfort him.

"What? I don't care…" he saw Voldemort's venomous stare, "for jam….often…"

He glanced around, hoping no one would try to comprehend what he had just uttered. Ignoring everyone's puzzled expressions, Lucius distracted himself by reading the parchment Voldemort had dropped. It was titled, _I Love You, Pettigrew._

Oh dear lord.

Voldemort knew that he had to get the two stubborn boys talking again. If they weren't in, 'love', his plan would never work.

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Harry sat in the center of the comfortable tan carpet, ripping apart rolls of parchment…the wizarding world didn't have televisions, you know. He sighed and cursed bitterly after slicing himself with a particularly sharp edge. He stared at the blood seeping through his wound and sucked it eagerly. This would do nothing for his hunger…or thirst. But he did not know how to feed on his own. Everything he had learned was from Draco, or so he assumed, had all been a lie. Draco never fed on anyone before. He was not a vampire.

Harry decided that this fact should not stop him. He would pull himself together and quench his blistering hunger. It would make him stronger, and he may regain his strength. He prepared himself for the harsh weather, buttoning his cloak and opened his entrance door. He flinched in shock when he came face to face with Professor Tromedlov.

"Why, hello, my dear boy! How are you this evening?" Tromedlov gushed.

Harry hoped the teacher wouldn't notice him edging around the walls, trying to keep a far distance.

"Um…fine, I just um…was going to…" Harry tightened his grip on his wand.

"Aw, come now son; let's go for a spot of tea." Tromedlov grasped Harry's shoulder, dragging him along.

Harry screamed when the touch of the man's hand caused his entire shoulder to undergo fire. Trapped by the man's tight clutch and blinded by the white hot pain, he fell to the floor, screaming in agony.

Tromedlov quickly withdrew his hand and looked shocked and extremely upset with himself. He made sure that no one had seen the spectacle and darted past the boy, out of sight, for he had noticed a nearby tapestry stir.

Draco jumped delicately through the drapery, rushing to see what awful sound he had heard. He backtracked when he saw Harry on the ground, sweating almost feverishly and breathing as though he had just sprinted a mile.

"Harry! Harry, are you alright?"

The look of agony in Harry's eyes only intensified when Draco came into view, and along with it came hatred. He stood up gingerly, a bit wobbly on his feet.

"I'm fine, not that you would care," he grumbled, furiously straightening his shirt.

"I do care, Harry."

Harry rolled his eyes and leaned against the cold, dungeon wall. "So we're back to this again, are we?"

"Back to what?"

"The whole, 'I'm-not-a-death-eater-I-just-want-to-help-you' act."

"It's not an act, Harry. It may have been in the beginning, but not anymore."

"And how on earth am I supposed to believe that, Draco? You proved that you were a splendid performer when we were becoming friends…when I fell for you. How much of it was a lie?"

Draco looked shamefaced. He bit his lip and stared at the floor.

"That's what I thought."

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Harry was absolutely positive this was not helping. He felt and heard multiple bones crack and pop throughout his whole body; his head grew warmer and heavier as blood rushed to it.

"HERMIONE!"

Hermione pinched her fingers together, letting the small finger cymbals ping, their sound waves vibrating throughout the room.

"Breathe, Harry."

Harry sucked in far too much air, straining his neck muscles, and let it out in a mad rush of air, blowing out some vanilla scented candles.

He spoke more calmly this time. "Hermione, this is NOT helping."

"That's because you're not believing, dear," Hermione spoke with her eyes closed.

Ron's voice came from the far end of the room. "Harry's right, Hermione. Men are not this flexible…I don't feel 'relaxed and serene' though I'll sure feel my lunch come back up if you make me balance this much longer on my head."

"Fine!" Hermione, rather roughly, untangled both of the boys out of their yoga positions. She had hoped that the two would calm down and find their inner self through her course, but no such luck. They seemed to grow more frustrated and their faces were awfully purple.

"Well, I don't know anything more peaceful than yoga- Oh, I have an idea!"

"Oh, wonderful." Ron rolled his eyes in annoyance, and then looked fearfully at Hermione who was glaring with such intensity. Harry was surprised there was not a beam of light glowing from the girl's eyes.

"Lay on your stomachs." She commanded. She didn't even pause to see their worried looks. "DO IT!"

Harry and Ron lay side by side in the Room of Requirement. Hermione's intentions were good, but…she had lousy ideas. Guys did not enjoy recognizing their inner souls, glowing auras, or feeling energy flowing through their bodies. They did not like to wear spandex either. But thankfully, Hermione had been fair enough to let them wear sweats.

Harry heard a faint sizzling noise behind him, and glanced around his shoulder in enough time to see Hermione holding a burning rock with a pair of tongs.

"JESUS!" Harry leapt off of the floor and grabbed Ron with him, pulling him to safety.

"That's what I thought." Hermione let the rock plop back into the heated pot. "Now, breathe in, breathe out…"

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A/N: Thanks for reading, reviews are greatly appreciated.I know this wasn't my funniest chapter, but I had to struggle with it...you've probably realized. I apologize deeply for the horrible updates…I'm actually starting to have a life now... kind of. Be warned, because I have final exams coming up fairly soon. Hopefully, I'll get chapter 15 (wow! 15!) by Memorial Day weekend…then don't expect 16 until…hm…after the 15th of June.

Ideas are very welcome, please review…if I get at least ten reviews, I promise to update this weekend! (But only if you guys give me ideas!)


	16. Chapter 15

A/N: Alright. Four reviews. I can deal…no. No, I can't. That was really upsetting guys; I'm not going to lie. I asked for ten…TEN. Yes, I realize that it took me five weeks to update…But I updated, didn't I? I do not plan on abandoning this fic; I love it far too much. And I love you guys. So I thank those reviewers, **NinjaoftheDarkness**, **Youka-Chan**, **JennBenn3148**, and most importantly, my favorite reviewer, one that has never missed reviewing a chapter, who gives me ideas, and I love her deeply for that, **Crick118**. A round of applause everyone! Okay, so…I'm going to give you guys an update. Why? Because right now, however angry I may be, I'm in a giving mood.

I'm keeping to my end of the deal. Now, it's your turn.

(A Special thanks to Nikki P for helping me plot!)

Chapter 15: Guess what guys? I HAVE A PLOT!

Draco lay on his bed at night, listening for the footsteps marking Harry's return. It had been four days and seventeen hours, forty nine minutes…twenty two seconds. But, psh, it wasn't like Draco was counting or anything…he wasn't _that_ bored.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Your father."

"Your father, who?"

"It's me you fool."

Draco stared at the door. "I don't get it."

"Open the damn door!"

"Fine, fine…" Draco reached for the handle, unlocking the door. "Father? What are you doing here?"

"I'm only here on a matter of business, Draco though I figured that I might as well stop in while I was here. How are you doing, boy?"

Draco looked at his father with a puzzled expression. Lucius wasn't the 'fathering' type. There had to be some reason for this. "I'm...fine."

"I've heard of your…loss. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out." Lucius silently thanked the lords.

"How did you know about that? I don't think I had even told you that-"

Lucius waved his hand carelessly in Draco's face. "Oh, you can't be serious, son. Everyone knows about that. It's yesterday's news."

"Oh." Draco didn't actually want to know how Death Eaters were finding out about the gossip at Hogwarts.

"…This isn't really why you stopped by, is it father?"

"I had a few errands to run…come now, let's go for a little walk."

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Crouched down low, Harry snuck around his four poster bed. His eyes darted among the four sleeping boys, the lucky bastards. Harry remembered when he was able to sleep. His eyes burned with the though. _Resting_, or whatever the fuck Balanced Insanity called it, was not cutting it. Harry could hear his angst in his own head, which probably wasn't a good sign. He needed to feed, badly. He licked his sharp teeth, feeling the tips of his fangs. He leapt gracefully, silently onto Ron's bed, crawling around carefully, finding any extra room. He picked up Ron's forearm, examining it. He wanted to find a good spot, but not on Ron's veins, he did not want to cause his friend to loose too much blood. He put the arm to his mouth, ready to strike.

"Harry?"

Harry stiffened; his expression was very guilty.

"Yes?"

"What're you doing?" Dean asked, quizzically.

"Um…sleepwalking."

"Oh…I thought you were gonna eat Ron or something…imagine that!" Dean laughed heartily, and fell back onto his pillow. "Good night!"

"'Night…damn." Harry cursed. He inched, almost catlike, out of the dormitory…slipping down the spiral staircase.

Harry sat on one of the very large, overstuffed armchairs, staring blankly into the fire. His right hand was twitching, pulsing randomly, and his eyes were darting feverishly. He felt sweat trickle down his spine, edge around his facial features. He licked his lips almost violently, drying them out with every swipe. His entire arm started to tense, shaking uncontrollably. Harry threw on his invisibility cloak, and dashed through the portrait hole, not daring to look back at the Fat Lady. He ran straight for his room, shared with Draco. He actually was that desperate. He was almost there, when WHAM!

Harry toppled over, landing on top of someone he couldn't recognize in the darkness.

"Who's there?" A voice quavered.

Harry rolled off of the body. In the dim moonlight he could see that it was Pansy Parkinson.

"Draco? Draco is that you? Stop playing tricks, okay! I don't like it!"

"Sorry Pansy, yeah…it's me." She had raised some jealous curiosity in him.

"Where are you? I don't see you."

"I…um…I stole Potter's cloak." He tried to sound like a Malfoy. "Stupid fool doesn't take care of his things."

"Oh…I guess so…does that mean, you two are officially over?" She looked hopeful.

"Uh…yeah. It's done, you know? So…how've you been?"

Pansy reached her hand out, feeling around for Draco. "I've missed you Draco." She touched Harry's shoulder. "I could give you a little…comforting…if you want." She smiled mischievously.

She ran her slender hand down the side of Harry's body, feeling for the edge of the cloak.

Harry removed his glasses in a panicked manor, and tried to slick his hair back, which was doable with all of the sweat. He threw off the Weasley's sweater and kicked it aside.

Pansy snaked herself under the cloak, standing up to her full height. Harry quickly stepped back until they both were in complete darkness.

"Draco…we haven't done this in such a long time…" She used her fingers to find "Draco's" lips.

"I was wondering when you were gonna leave Harry and come back…Harry Potter? Draco, what were you thinking?"

"I…I dunno."

"Well, clearly you weren't thinking much at all." She draped her hands over Harry's shoulders, standing on tiptoe to bring her face up to his.

"Have you gotten taller?"

"I…may have…um…"

"Shut up."

Pansy kissed Harry, deeply, inviting him to take control of the situation. Unsure of what to do, Harry kissed back, wrapping his arms around her waist. She pushed him against the dungeon wall.

"Oh, Draco…" She breathed, "I-"

"Shhh." Harry maneuvered his mouth down her jaw, all the way to a particularly soft spot on her neck. His fangs grew out and he could smell the blood before tasting it. Knowing that he was ready, he sank his teeth into her skin.

"Oh!" Pansy gasped.

Harry sucked the blood, regaining lost vigor. He felt Pansy start to slouch a little, she was falling. Harry caught her, releasing his clamp from her neck. He saw her eyes widen as he realized that they were no longer under the cloak, no longer in the darkness.

Harry dropped her and she screamed, landing on the floor with a dull thud.

"Well, well, well…what do we have here?"

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Draco opened his eyes, _oh god_, his head. A throbbing sensation pounded his skull in a steady, painful rhythm. He looked around.

"What the hell!"

Draco was in a cell. Bars covered the two small windows; stone wall surrounded the small pathetic ditch he was in. There was a thin, ragged blanket and dirty pillow in one corner. A pitcher of water and a small loaf of bread in the other. Draco forced himself to remember what on earth he had done to land himself here.

"What the hell happened?"

"I know what happened."

Draco whipped his head around in alarm. "What!? Who said that?"

"It's me…look."

Draco looked at his shoe. Oh my god. His shoe was talking to him.

He kicked it off in alarm. "Stop it! Stop speaking! You are a shoe!" He covered his ears, trying to block it out.

"Draco!"

Draco looked around, more voices. No, make them stop, please.

"Please stop! I…I don't want to be like this! I've only been here for five minutes, I can't already be loosing it…the voices, make them stop! How do you know my name! I-"

"SHUT UP!" Colin stared at Draco in disbelief. "It's me, I was behind you."

"Oh…" Draco tried to pick up the remains of his dignity. "I knew that…I was just trying to be funny!" After a brief pause filled of only awkwardness, Draco punched the kid on the arm, "fooled you!"

Colin shook his head in shame.

"So…um", nervous laugh, "what happened to me then?"

"You were betrayed. By your very own father. You went on your little 'stroll', and then you were stunned. He brought you back here, that's all I know."

"Why are you here?"

Colin's face was dark. "I know too much."

"Oh…well…that's um…that's really frightening actually."

Colin looked like he was trying to control his rage. "They…took…my…camera."

Draco started planning his escape.

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A/N: REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!


	17. Chapter 16

A/N: Wow! You guys really rose to the occasion! I thank you all for the reviews, I love them lots. They made me have a super-ego. Oh! And someone (I don't actually know who) talked to me online, so…thanks! And you guys should converse with me via AIM unless our conversation is gonna be like, "hi"… "hey"…. "what's up?"…. "nmjcu?"

Not only is that boring, but there was also horrible laziness in the last answer…ONWARDS!

A major thanks to Slash-Addict-Self-Help-Group and Nicole (HolyHorcruxes!)

Chapter 16: Digging your own Grave

"Well, let's see now…That would be three offenses against you, would it not be, Mr. Potter?"

Harry gulped.

"The use of banned magical objects," his pale fingers slid over the Invisibility Cloak, "traipsing around the castle after hours, and," Snape sneered, "Public…Display…of affection."

Those last words made Harry's stomach turn uncomfortably. Pansy tried to catch his eye, but Harry found the hem of his robe far more interesting. Pansy smirked happily as the blush on Harry's face deepened.

"I'd say that this…occasion…would call for one week's worth of detention for you. Ms. Parkinson, and two for you, Mr. Potter."

"But sir! That's not fair! I-"

"Do not test me Mr. Potter or I shall make it three!" Snape poised his quill threateningly over Harry's slip of parchment.

"I shall see the both of you tomorrow evening at seven. I expect you to be prompt. You're dismissed."

Harry shuffled out of Snape's office, followed by Pansy.

"Harry."

Harry looked over his shoulder to see Pansy, leaning dramatically against the stone wall, tossing her hair and fluttering her eyelashes.

"I'll be looking forward to seeing you tomorrow." She winked.

"Yeah…um…you too…goodnight." Harry walked back to his shared room with Draco. He couldn't take any more surprises.

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The door creaked open slowly, shining a dull light on the beige carpet.

"Hello?" Harry called out into the still darkness. There was no reply. He lit the nearest candle, seeing a vast emptiness.

"Draco? Are you here?" No answer. Harry crept around the room, opening closet and bathroom doors, checking his useless bed and Draco's. The Slytherin was not in sight.

Harry sat down on the couch, twiddling his thumbs. He looked at the time. Eleven o'clock. This was not good. They did have a curfew after all; Draco should be here. He noticed a glimmer of something from the far side of the room, where his candle light barely reached.

It was Lucius' pimp cane. That was odd…why would Lucius be at Hogwarts? And what was odder was how on earth could he leave something so wonderful behind? Harry let his fingers grace over the flawless black wood, and he traced the silver snake head with his right hand. He imagined that Draco must be doing something with his father. He knew they were not very close, but Lucius always seemed ready to give his son lectures. He spent the rest of his evening "resting" and playing the lonely card game of solitaire.

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The next afternoon during Herbology class, Hermione's hand was, once again, raised high in the air.

"Yes, Miss Granger." Professor Tromedlov rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Pardon me sir, but in our second year we repotted mandrakes and we were told to wear earmuffs. Their cries are deadly, you know."

The teacher smiled. "I am fully aware of that little child."

Hermione looked a bit concerned. She tried again. "Perhaps you didn't hear me when I said their cries are _deadly_. As in…if we were to hear them…we'd _die…_as in _death._"

"Yes girl, I heard you the first time."

"Professor," Harry called out from his shared table with Ron.

"WHAT!?"

Harry sighed. "If they're deadly, and we pull out the mandrakes in this class, _you_ will hear them too. _You_ will _die _also."

Tromedlov looked slightly scared for a moment. His eyes darted about the room. "Ah. Well…that is why…I decided on a….new partner assignment!"

The class groaned in unison.

"SHUT UP, YOU FILTHY CREATURES!"

The class looked alarmed.

Tromedlov slicked back his violet locks. "Now, I shall pair you up." He started from the front of the classroom, skipping numerous students, pairing some up with potted plants. When he had reached Harry, he had a particularly nasty grin on his face.

"Ah, Mr. Potter." He folded his arms defiantly and raised his eyebrows. "I think you shall be working with Mr. Malfoy."

"He's not here, sir. I think his father took him out of classes for a while."

Tromedlov leaned in, uncomfortably close, right in Harry's face.

"Or maybe, he…went on a little trip. Or has gone MISSING. Maybe, he's right under your very nose, maybe he's-"

"Sir, are you dramatically hinting at something? Because if you are, please just get to the point."

Tromedlov glared. "Don't test me boy…I don't want you to get hurt again."

"What are you talking about? You never- OW! AHHHH! OH MY GOD! STOP!" Harry tried to rip his arm out of his teacher's hand. He fell out of his chair and landed on the floor, writhing about, still screaming. Tromedlov would not release him, so Harry did the only thing he could think of. He tried to gnaw off his right arm in a desperate attempt.

"EPELLIARMUS!" Ron bellowed.

"Ron!" Hermione screamed exasperatedly, "HE'S NOT HOLDING A WAND!"

"WELL, IT WORKED IN PRISONER OF AZKABAN, DIDN'T IT?"

"REDUCTO!" Hermione's spell was successful; their teacher was blasted off of his feet, and crashed into the greenhouse wall.

"Harry!" Hermione hurried over to Harry who was on the ground, breathing heavily and holding his arm in pain.

"Come on, Harry, we'll take you to the hospital wing." Ron offered Harry a hand to bring him to his feet.

"Err…someone should probably report him…" Ron suggested. The class looked shock.

Hermione used her super crazy-controlling-womanly-powers. "SOMEONE REPORT HIM!"

The entire class fled to the door, rushing about to inform various teachers.

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"Draco…what are you doing?"

"What does it LOOK like I'm doing?" Draco glared daggers at the stupid, useless, paparazzi-like sixth year boy next to him.

"Well," answered Colin, "it LOOKS like you're stealing all of the supplies in the room."

"Yes, I am."

"But I'm hungry Draco, we're supposed to share the bread and water." The boy whined.

"FINE!" Draco threw the loaf of bread at Colin's head. "Eat your damn bread!"

Colin's bottom lip quivered. "Well, you didn't have to be so mean about it…" He shuffled over to the opposite corner of the cell.

Draco began ripping their raggedy blanket into strips of cloth, tying the ends together.

"What are you doing now?"

"I'M ESCAPING YOU USELESS SPEC OF DIRT!"

Colin blinked. "Jeez…I know you're upset about Harry, but-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it. Who said I was upset about Harry?"

"Well, I just assumed that-"

"No, I don't care. Harry means nothing to me. I DON'T CARE, GOT IT?"

Colin ate his bread in silence.

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Harry stared at the blank, worn out white ceiling of the hospital wing. A couple beds away, a sixth year was having his left half of his body attached to his right…splinching.

"Mr. Potter, it seems you have a visitor." Harry sat up eagerly, thinking it was Ron or Hermione, or maybe even Draco…but…oh, it was Pansy.

Harry sighed. "Hullo."

"Oh, Harry!" Pansy plopped herself at the bottom of Harry's bed. "I heard about what happened in Herbology, I'm so sorry! I'm so glad that you're okay!"

"Thanks…yeah, I'm fine." Harry looked uncomfortable.

"So, are you still coming to detention tonight?"

"I doubt Snape will excuse me…you know him." Harry mimicked Snape's low, deathly voice, "Loss of limb will not excuse you from detention." He laughed nervously.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Pansy screeched with mirth, falling off of Harry's hospital bed and onto the floor, rolling around and clutching her stomach.

Harry's eyes widened and he looked over at Madame Pomfrey who was giving the two a puzzled expression.

Pansy rose from the ground. "Oh, that was FUNNY!" She fanned herself. "I didn't know you were so _funny_ Harry!" She smiled.

"Heh…neither did I."

After explaining to Pansy that he needed rest, and insisting that her singing a lullaby would not be necessary, the Slytherin left the room, shoulders slouched in disappointment.

_Well this was going to be a jolly week of detention._

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Harry tried to think of something happy while he scrubbed the grime-coated tables in the dark, gloomy, potions dungeon. He couldn't. He already had a depressing life as it was, and now with Draco betraying him, and then going missing, and being stuck with this new leech-like Pansy Parkinson serving a useless detention…well, it wasn't helping matters.

"Harry…why didn't you ever tell me?" Pansy inquired who by the way hadn't been doing her share of cleaning. She believed it was man's work.

"Tell you what?" Harry retorted, digging himself into a hole.

"Tell me that you loved me?"

Harry froze. "I…well…I was….err…afraid you wouldn't…accept me?" Harry dug himself four feet under.

"Oh, why on earth would you think that?"

"Different houses," Harry muttered. He already felt the regret. Five feet under.

"Oh, Harry-poo," Six feet under, "I would have welcomed you with open arms. You're much better at kissing than Drakie." She raised her perfect eyebrows suggestively.

Harry chose not to respond to this.

"When?"

"When what?"

"When did you fall madly in love with me?" Pansy lied down on the table, looking like some sort of damsel in distress.

"I…um…I always loved you…yeah."

"You don't seem very happy now." She pouted.

"Well, I've just come off of a bad relationship. And…we're in detention."

"I can make it fun for you." She left her post on the large table and sauntered over to Harry, pinning him against the wall.

"Pansy, not now." Harry ducked out from under her arms. "We've got work to do. I don't want to upset Snape."

"Yes, don't upset me!" Snape called from his office.

"Wow…that was creepy." Harry checked the room, expecting to see hidden cameras, disregarding the 'electricity in Hogwarts' rule.

Snape laughed loudly from his office.

"Odd," Pansy thought aloud, "I've never heard the man laugh before."

"SHUT UP YOU TWO! GET OUT!"

The two gratefully obeyed, leaving his class as quickly as possible.

Harry prepared himself for a second awkward goodbye, but Pansy had other ideas. She latched onto Harry's arm and looked at him expectantly.

"Um…Pansy, I should probably be going, it's getting late and-"

"Oh, pish posh, Potter! Who cares? You didn't seem to mind last night _Mr. Vampire_."

Harry was discomforted by her words. No one but Dumbledore and Draco was supposed to know. Not counting Ron and Hermione.

"Yeah, well, you don't want more detention, do you?" Harry unhooked his arm and started to leave…only Pansy (unfortunately) followed him.

"Come on, Pansy. We really have to go…I don't think we should be here."

"Haaaaarrrrrrryyyyyyy!!!" she bellyached, "COME ON!!!"

Harry was walking away hurriedly. Someone was sure to hear them….he quickened his pace.

Pansy stubbornly jogged after him. "No one will know! It'll be our little secret!"

Harry was now sprinting down a corridor, going down a new path he'd never noticed before.

"No, really, I think it would be best if-AHHHHH!!!!!" The last step was a doosie, or in this case, a trapdoor. Harry fell and landed on a hard stone ground, hearing Pansy scream a moment later and then fall painfully on top of him.

"Nice of you to drop in. Really. Pun intended." Draco Malfoy looked at the two disheveled figures in amusement.

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A/N: Yay! That was fun to write! School's out so I should be updating more often! (Only with reviews of course! Hint hint).

REVIEW!!!


	18. Chapter 17

A/N: HOLY CRAP. I PASSED THE 200 REVIEW POINT! GUYS…I…I LOVE YOU! LOOK AT THOSE REVIEWS! KEEP THEM COMING! And you guys flatter me. And scare me.

Special thanks to **Riyan**, who is indeed awesome. Giving me the most reviews I have ever received in a one hour time span….wow. /hugs/

And to answer your question **Crick118**….Yes, I am out of writer's block. I have this story DOWN.

Chapter 17: Drama-Rama

Harry pushed a frazzled Pansy Parkinson off of his stomach and stood up, brushing dirt off of his pants and sleeves. He stared at the sight before him after getting used to the darkness. Though, thanks to the new hole in the ceiling, there was an even square of light dimly illuminating their surroundings.

He was in a cell. A god damn _cell._ Stone walls, pitcher of water, raggedy blanket, a disgusting pillow. Yes, a cell…with Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, and whom he recognized to be Colin Creevy. Well, someone should just shoot him now.

"Hmm…I wasn't aware of the trapdoor. Very tricky of them." Draco looked entertained by the whole situation. Stupid bugger.

Pansy let out an extremely delayed scream. She jumped into Harry's arms, hanging for dear life by his neck.

"OH MY GOD, HARRY! WE'RE GOING TO DIE! QUICK! GET US OUT OF HERE! USE YOUR VAMPIRE POWERS! I'M SCARED OF THE DARK!"

"HOLD ON!" Draco looked at the pair of seventh years. "Vampire powers? Harry…you didn't…you didn't tell her, did you?"

"And this is any of your business how?" Harry replied coldly.

"…You're not still mad at me, are you?"

"Now what on earth would give you that idea!? Oh! I know! Maybe it was the fact that you were planning to turn me over to VOLDEMORT!?"

Colin and Pansy gasped. Draco, however, looked angry.

"Draco! How could you?" Colin was appalled.

"Oh, shut up." Draco pushed the boy into the corner.

"YES, HARRY. YES! THAT WAS MY ORIGINAL PLAN! OKAY? YOU'RE RIGHT! I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON, I "SOLD MY SOUL" I MADE BAD CHOICES! OKAY? BUT…I DIDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT! I COULDN'T! I LOVE YOU! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU!"

Pansy clapped her hands over her mouth, her eyes round in surprise. Colin fell over in shock. Harry stared at Draco, too many thoughts to count running through his head.

"You…you love me?"

"Well…I…" Draco made some sort of twitching motion with his head and a small 'tschh' sound was released from his mouth, "I…yes. I suppose. I mean…well…"

"You actually _love_ me?" Harry looked skeptical.

"YES, DAMNIT! I LOVE YOU!"

"Well, you should. I'm Harry Potter." The Boy Wonder said smugly. He put Pansy back on the ground and declared, "Let's think of a plan out of here."

Draco's eyes were actually popping out of his head. His mouth was open in shock and horror, and he seemed to be choking.

Harry, Pansy, and Colin made a small pow-wow on the ground, scheming.

"That's _IT_!?"

Harry raised his head, "Hmm?"

"I just spilled my guts to you with these two watching and that's _IT_!?"

Harry pondered this for a second. "Yes."

Draco looked like he was going to retort, but then he shut his mouth. He slumped down the dungeon wall, glaring at everyone in his vision, particularly Harry.

"Oh, stop moping Draco. No one cares." Pansy caressed Harry's arm and looked into his eyes in what she hoped to be a seductive manner.

"Um…" Harry scooted more towards Colin, "We need to devise a plan."

"OH! I KNOW!"

Everyone stared at Colin. He had never had an idea before.

"LET'S BUILD A PYRAMID! LIKE THEY DO IN THOSE MUGGLE MOVIES!" He looked at the three seventh years, shaking his head eagerly.

"Well…we could try," Harry admitted. The other two burst out laughing.

"A pyramid?! Oh, please Pothead, that's the stupidest thing I have ever heard!"

"Well, it _could _work," Harry said defensively, choosing to ignore the fact that Draco had called him 'Pothead'.

Pansy stopped laughing. "Well, whatever Harry says goes. He's the _real_ hero here," She glared at Draco.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Fine, let's do what the _HERO_ wants then. Because everyone only cares about the _HERO_. Everyone loves the _HERO._ Let's just all fucking listen to the _HERO_."

"Jealous, much?" Pansy raised her eyebrows and then turned back to Harry with a dreamy expression on her face.

"Who gets to sit top of you, Harry?" She smiled and sent a wink Harry's way.

Draco pretended to vomit.

Harry ignored her. "Okay…I'll be start off, then Draco, then Pansy, then Colin."

All three looked displeased.

"JUST DO IT!" He quickly grew fangs and hissed at them all.

"Fine, fine…" Draco clambered awkwardly on top of Harry, looking sullen. Pansy followed, struggling to sit on Draco's back. Colin, who was smallest, got up last. They waited.

Colin sighed dramatically. "We're not even close."

"UGH!" Harry pushed Draco off of him, causing a domino effect of falling bodies.

Pansy looked upset. "Well, how the hell are we supposed to get out of here!? Grow wings and fly!?" She asked incredulously.

Draco's head turned ever so slowly and he locked eyes with Harry.

No one else noticed. "Don't the two of you have wands?" Colin piped up.

"No," Harry answered distractedly, "Pansy and I handed them in to Snape. He wanted to make sure we didn't use magic to clean. And I suppose you two had yours taken away?"

Draco nodded, still keeping eye contact with Harry.

"Grow wings and fly…" Draco mused.

Harry gave him an understanding, but disagreeable stare.

"What's the matter with you two?" Pansy looked from one boy to the other, confusion growing in her eyes.

"Secrets, secrets, are no fun, unless you tell everyone!"

"Shut up, Colin."

"Harry…you can get us out of here…" Draco gradually smiled.

"What? How? What are you talking about Draco?" Pansy demanded. The girl did not like being let out of things.

"No. No no no no no no no no!!! Draco! Don't you dare! I am not doing it. NEVER."

"Huddle!" Draco motioned Pansy and Colin over and they spoke together, heads bent in keeping Harry from hearing anything.

Pansy gasped and both she and Colin gawked at Harry stunned, and turned back to the huddle.

"So, we've got to make him very angry then?" Pansy inquired.

"…And he'll simply grow wings?" Colin asked doubtfully.

Draco rolled his eyes. "He has to be furious though….really furious…or…." He blushed, "sexually excited…"

Colin looked horrified and Pansy smiled. They all stood up from their huddle and gave Harry the smuggest and terrifying looks he had ever seen in his life.

"What?" Harry was clearly frightened. "Why are you guys looking at me like that?"

Colin strutted up to Harry, and tossed his head back, pretending to be cool. He said to Pansy and Draco, "I've got this," and turned back to Harry.

"Harry."

"Yes?"

"YOUR MOM!"

….

Harry blinked. "Well…that was odd."

"Oh, Jesus." Draco yanked Colin back to their huddling corner in exasperation. "Look, I can do it, I've done it before." Draco tried to reason with Pansy, but she wasn't interested.

"Draco, Harry hates you. Don't have such a big ego."

"He doesn't exactly love you either."

"HARRY LOVES ME! HE TOLD ME SO!"

Harry closed his eyes on the other side of the cell. Shit.

When he opened his eyes, Pansy was far too close for his liking.

"Harry? Harry…you love me…right?"

"Well…err…you see, that night…well I was…I kind of needed…because…"

"OH MY GOD!" Pansy's pug like face crumpled up in horror. "YOU…YOU USED ME!? HARRY! I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!"

Draco for the thousandth time rolled his eyes. "SHUT UP PANSY! My god, Harry never loved you! He needed food so he seduced you. Then he drank your blood. The only reason you're here is because you are oblivious to anything and everything around you."

Pansy looked like Draco had smacked her. Hurt and embarrassment shown in her eyes and her bottom lip trembled. She walked to an unoccupied corner and stayed huddled there.

"DRACO, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!" Colin looked horrified. He rushed over to Pansy, comforting her and kept sending hateful glares back at the blond Slytherin.

"Oh, the drama." Harry slumped down on the wall. Draco sat next to him.

"Hey."

"Thanks…I guess…"

"No problem. I guess that could have been done more tactfully…"

"Probably."

"So…what now?"

"We find a way out of here."

"No…I mean, with us?"

"Oh…" Harry lowered his eyes, avoiding Draco. "I don't know."

"You believe me, right? You know that I'm on you're side?"

"I believe you."

Draco lifted Harry's head with his hand. "Tell me while looking in my eyes."

Harry leaned in for a kiss, pushing Draco onto the filthy, stone floor. Their lips met and everything felt better, Harry knew things were going to be okay. He pulled back. "Yeah, I believe you."

"WOW!" Colin had his hand on his heart. "THAT WAS HOT!"

Pansy lifted her head and stared at Colin awkwardly, and scooted away from the strange, sixth year boy.

"OH! DRACO! QUICK! SEXUALLY EXCITE HIM!" Colin made wild flapping gestures with his hands. "LOOK! I'LL…I'LL EVEN CLOSE MY EYES!" Colin smashed his hands over his eyes jittery in anticipation. "OKAY, GO AHEAD GUYS, I'M READY!"

Harry and Draco stared at Colin.

Pansy lay down on the floor in defeat.

"Colin…no."

"Aww, come on! Why not? You guys are fine now, so do something!"

"If you're expecting Harry and me to have sex in a filthy cell with you and Pansy watching, the answer is no."

Colin tried, but failed to not look disappointed. The creepy, horny kid.

"Fine," He pouted, "But now we're never going to get out of her!" He stomped around the cell, angrily.

"It's not like one of these blocks is a trick wall or anything. It's not like if we kick one," Colin angrily kicked the wall, stone by stone, "anything will happen! We're stuck! We're never getting out of-"

The four Hogwarts students looked at the hole in the wall Colin had just created by kicking out stones.

"You guys stay here. I'll go see what's over there." Harry crawled through the wall and over to the other side.

"Bloody Gryffindor." Draco shook his head, amused and for once, smiling.

Until of course, he heard Harry let out a blood curdling scream.

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A/N: I'm _really _sorry about that long wait but…I was taking a Driver's Ed course…then I was spoofing (which really does take a long time if you're hardcore about it like I am!) then I went to Disneyworld (IT WAS MAGICAL!) and then to the Bahamas…so…

Yeah, that was a filler chapter. But I kind of want to drag this out after so many positive responses. Haha…

Okay, so I know that this story is coming to an end…only a few chapters left. But do not be too upset! I already began chapter one of my next fic…my insanity will be never ending!

Oh! Look out for a one shot, I think I'm actually getting somewhere with it…

AND! Our second Harry Potter spoof is online! Look up 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in 16 Minutes or Less' on youtube. It's in two parts, not as good as our first, but I don't think it's too shabby.

REVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEW!


	19. Chapter 18

A/N: I came to a conclusion while writing this chapter: I lie a lot. I know that I stated at the end of chapter 17 that I had a few more chapters left…well…heh. I changed my mind. This is the last installment of 'The Difficulties of Being a Vampire'. You all probably hate me now. Well, that's okay. I can deal with it. And this is by no means the end of my fanfiction career; I have quite a few ideas bouncing around in my head for more stories to come. Just don't expect a new story popping up any time too soon, for I will be busy with marching band. I do have a life you know…kind of. Now I would like to take up your time to thank a number of people.

A great special thanks to **Crick118**, who has reviewed every single one of my chapters, all of my stories, and who gave me a challenge fic. I applaud her amazingness.

Next, I would like to thank **ChantelFlameshadow** and **Riyan**, for being just…amazing awesome people with the reviews and being on actual speaking terms with me.

A big thanks goes out to my beta **Slash-Addict-Self-Help-Group** who is very patient with my….impatintness. If that makes any sense at all.

Also, thanks to Nicole (**HolyHorcruxes**), who is amazing, and the last of my friends to read my fanfiction, who I converted to H/D, and she digs me out of holes I put myself in, and helps me think of plot ideas. I love you!

And of course, thanks to all of you who read, reviewed, favored, alerted, c2ed, my story and to everyone who watched/reviewed my Harry Potter parodies on youtube.

**AND BY THE WAY...this chapter has kinda sorta book seven spoilers! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**

**(PLEASE REVIEW! IT'S MY LAST CHANCE AS MUCH AS YOURS!)**

**And without further ado, I give you…**

**Chapter 18: Hooray for Really Bad Fanfiction Endings**

"HARRY!" Draco dove through the small hole in the wall, knocking Harry onto the floor in the process. "WHAT!? WHAT IS IT!?" he asked frantically, looking around the room to find the cause of his boyfriend's scream.

"Oh! Hello, Professor. What brings you down here?" Draco asked their Herbology teacher.

By this time, Pansy and Colin had made their way through and were now greeting their teacher with much enthusiasm.

"STAY AWAY FROM HIM!" Harry roared over the happy salutations.

All four of the Hogwartians (hey, if J.K. can use it as a word, so can I!) looked at Harry skeptically.

"Why?" questioned Pansy, curling a lock of hair around her finger.

"Because," huffed Harry as though it was the most obvious thing in the world, "he's Lord Voldemort!"

Colin glanced at Professor Tromedlov.

"IN DISGUISE!" added Harry.

"Harry? Love?" Draco walked worriedly over to Harry and laced their fingers together. "When was the last time you…ate?"

"Draco! I'm serious! That's Lord Voldemort! Don't you believe me?"

"Err…" Draco stared at the floor with sudden fascination.

Harry growled angrily and stalked up to his enemy. "Alright, Tom. Right here. Right now."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, son. I had heard yells and came down here to investigate. How long were you poor, poor children locked down here?" He patted Colin's head.

"Don't touch him! I know your tricks, old man. Leave them out of it!"

"Oh, how very _noble_ of you, Potter," sneered Tromedlov. "I would expect no less than a Gryffindor."

Colin, Pansy and Draco looked rather alarmed by the sudden change of attitude.

"Erm…Professor?" started Pansy timidly.

"BE QUIET GIRL!" he bellowed, keeping his eyes locked with Harry's. "Idiot boy, do you expect to take me on here, with no Dumbledore around to save you?"

"Yeah, I do." Harry stated, more confident than usual. He had something up his sleeve…or in this case, around his neck, this time.

Pansy ducked behind Draco and Colin. Colin ducked behind Pansy. They all decided it might be safer to get near righteous Potter.

"The game's up, Tom!" Harry shouted, fiddling with the collar of his robes. "I know all about your secrets! Dumbledore and I had a lovely little chat about your past last year!"

Voldemort/Tromedlov looked shiftily around the room. "Oh, god…" he murmured, dawning realization, "he didn't tell you about the time in the Owlrey…well…I was very drunk and-"

He was cut off when Harry had pulled a rather large locket, emblazoned with a glittering green 'S' on the front and shoved it in his face, with a concerning air of triumph.

"What in the blazes is that supposed to be?"

When Harry looked dumbstruck he continued, rolling his eyes. "Oh I see…last time Dumbledore sent you a hat, and now he's given you this lovely locket to go with it. Let me guess…it has some bloody powers that will raise your parents from the dead and all that tosh?"

"…No…" began Harry slowly. Perhaps Voldemort didn't recognize his own soul when it was shoved under his own nose?

"It's your horcrux." He smirked, waiting for the look of terror to dawn upon Lord Voldemort's face.

…It never came.

"What the bloody hell is a horcrux?" asked Voldemort, truly bewildered.

Harry stared at him in shock. "What do you mean, 'what the bloody hell is a'- A HORCRUX DAMNIT!" He hoped caps lock would make Voldemort understand. "It's your horcrux! Your soul's in there!"

Draco was really worried for the sanity of his boyfriend now.

"My…" Voldemort was lost for words. "Potter…if I was going to stow my soul in something, why on earth would I leave it in a bloody locket of all places?"

"I don't know!" shouted Harry angrily. "How am I supposed to understand the workings of an evil villain's mind!?"

"You seemed to comprehend my mind well enough two years ago…" mumbled Voldemort.

_Oh, I see, _thought Harry,_ he just has a really good poker face is all…but I can get things back into my hands…_

"Alright…if you're going to be difficult about it…" Harry turned and looked at Voldemort darkly. "I warned you."

And Harry (forgetting that a horcrux could only be destroyed by a very powerful object) picked up a rather large stone from the rubble Colin had made by kicking a hole in the wall. He threw it with all his might at the horcrux. The locket smashed, the latch finally opening. A rather beat up version of 'Harry Birthday' tinkled out of the locket, and Harry could see a dusty picture of an elderly couple, holding hands and wearing matching cat sweaters.

"What the hell!" Black wings burst through Harry's back, but he ignored them. He ran his fingers through his hair, pacing around and muttering darkly to himself.

Voldemort looked at him warily. He knew not to mess with Potter when he was _that_ pissed.

Harry thought back to the meeting with Dumbledore, when he had told Harry all about the six horcruxes he was to destroy. With a sort of sinking feeling in his stomach, Harry recalled that during that conference, Dumbledore had been addressing Harry as 'Governor' and had asked him nearly five times 'Where in the World Carmen San Diego was'.

"…Stupid old codger…" Harry buried his face in his hands, letting out a strange hissing noise. He practically bit a hole through his tongue with his fangs.

"ENOUGH POTTER!" Voldemort's voice rang throughout the dungeon. "NO MORE DISTRACTIONS!"

Voldemort smiled an evil, Voldemort smile that could only be pulled of by such an evil man. His hair swished all evilly, and Harry realized he was going to be killed by a man with purple locks and a very fake pasted-on mustache. Where was the justice?

"It's time to die, Harry Potter. No one to throw themselves in front of you now. And you know…flinging around 'expelliarmuses' aren't going to help you either." Voldemort showed him his new wand.

"Damn," cursed Harry. That had been his only plan.

They both raised their wands (By the way…um…all of them had magically found their wands in the room…heh…), ready for the final battle the Wizarding world had been waiting for nearly seventeen years. Too bad no one was really there to witness it.

Voldemort was the first to shoot his spell. "AVADA KE-"

"SACRIFICE!!!!!!!!!!" Draco pushed Colin Creevy in front of Harry…Draco was a Slytherin after all.

Everything seemed to go by in slow motion, Colin screamed in an unnaturally deep voice, tumbling in front of Harry. But he was not hit by a jet of green light.

You see, Voldemort had gotten a little bit smarter over the last few years. He waited until Creevy was out of the way to finish his spell.

"DAVRA!" he bellowed.

Harry was caught off guard. The spell hit him straight in the chest and he fell back slowly, a surprised expression still on his face. He hit the floor with a thud.

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Draco threw himself over Harry's body, sobbing, screaming incoherently.

Colin had become somewhat petrified. His hero had died, right in front of him. The one he worshiped, and stalked, and took pictures of…brought grapes… A sudden monster had risen in Colin's chest. His eyes lit with a kind of fire that could only happen to noble Gryffindors when they were about to do something really very brave, or stupid.

He opened his mouth, a strangled warrior cry blasting over Draco's screams of anguish and sorrow. He ran, pulling his wand out of his robes, pel mel at the Dark Lord, who had been standing there, laughing, shocked that killing Harry Potter had been so incredibly easy.

Colin barreled over Voldemort, both of them crashing into the stone wall.

"MY NAME IS COLIN CREEVY!" Colin had Lord Voldemort pinned to the wall, practically choking the man with his firm grip around his neck, his wand pointed betweens his red slits of eyes. "YOU KILLED MY HERO. PREPARE TO DIE!"

Voldemort's eyes widened and were illuminated by a flash of green. Voldemort rolled over on the ground, dead. I suppose the Prophecy was wrong as well. One needn't die at the hand of the other…

Colin kicked at Voldemort's lifeless body.

On the other side of the room, Draco sobbed over Harry, shouting up at the heavens yelling, "WHY!!!!"

Pansy found Colin's camera and started taking pictures of the scene. She could get some serious money from the prophet…she was a Slytherin after all.

The flashing of the camera seemed to have alerted the two boys, realizing their surroundings.

Harry stood up. He looked at Draco's blotched face that was turned away from him, wondering what on earth would cause Draco, of all people, to cry. He glanced over at Colin and saw that he was striking a triumphant pose over what appeared to be the once all powerful Lord Voldemort.

"Wow! You killed Voldemort!" Harry walked over to Colin and shook his hand eagerly, barely noticing his fellow students' wide eyes. "Thanks Colin, I wouldn't have ever known you had it in you!" He thudded him on the back, his eyes swimming with pride.

"…Draco….Draco pinch me," whispered Pansy, edging closer to her friend. She seemed able to forget everything he had yelled at her in the previous chapter. She glanced at Draco who looked as though he was in some sort of trance. He kept opening and closing his mouth. Pansy didn't think he was breathing. She punched his arm. This seemed to act like some sort of stimulant.

"BUT YOU'RE DEAD!" Draco blurted out.

Harry looked at Draco, an amused smile on his face. "Guys," he laughed, "I'm Harry Potter. I can't just _die._"

"But…but…you…" stammered Colin uselessly.

"WHY WERE YOU DEAD ON THE GROUND THEN!? WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST JUMP RIGHT BACK UP! YOU WERE HIT WITH THE CURSE, WEREN'T YOU!?" screamed Pansy hysterically.

"Of course I was hit with the curse!" Harry waved his hand through the air nonchalantly. "I was just having a quick chat with Dumbledore, is all."

He ignored the terrified stares of his friends and said, "Well, let's not wait for the grass to grow! Come along!" He beckoned them to follow him out of the dungeons and into the Great Hall.

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_The final battle of the Dark Lord came and went while we were all eating supper last night. Cornered in a dungeon with his schoolmates Colin Creevy, Pansy Parkinson, and new allegiance, Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter dueled with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named right under Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. After screaming about horcruxes and breaking a rather old locket, Voldemort had shouted the killing curse at our favorite hero._

"_I think the pressure was just getting to him at that point," voices sixth year Colin Creevy. "He needed a distraction while he thought up a cunningly brilliant plan. Not everyone can yell 'Expelliarmus!' and have such spectacular results."_

_Perhaps, or this may be connected to Harry's previous fits during his fourth year at Hogwarts, where he was prone to collapse all over the castle. _

_While Harry Potter lay seemingly dead upon the floor, Colin Creevy killed Lord Voldemort._

_Although no one is quite sure how, Potter managed to revive and walk out of the dungeons without so much as a scratch or bruise._

"_Harry Potter doesn't die," laughed Creevy._

_We thank our Hero, Harry Potter, for once again, saving the Wizarding World from the Dark Lord's evil reign._

_--Hugo Hamlin_

"Wow," breathed Neville, "Wow…you…I still don't get it." He dug into his breakfast, putting down the Daily Prophet.

Everyone had been crowding around the Gryffindor table, curious for details of what happened down in the chamber.

Harry, the modest fellow that he was, was giving everyone blow by blow details of the events while balancing Draco Malfoy on his lap.

Colin glared at the two boys, surrounded by fans. No one seemed to take note, or care that he had killed Voldemort. Apparently, Harry was the true hero here.

Harry shot a grin at Colin and he sighed, dreamily. Of course, if Harry hadn't died, Colin wouldn't have been able to kill Voldemort. Such a noble, hero he was. He joined the group of spectators at once.

Hermione put the paper down after reading the article with Pansy Parkinson reading over her shoulder.

The five students, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, and Pansy had become sort of friends now. Mostly because it was cliché and happy…and even though Hermione and Ron had done nothing whatsoever in this story, Balanced Insanity still felt that they needed to be somewhat important in Harry's life.

"At least Rita Skeeter didn't write this article," said Hermione.

"Yeah, just some bloke named Hugo," Ron laughed. "Hugo…what a stupid name. Remind me to never name our kid that Hermione."

Hermione started at him, her eyebrows disappearing in her hair. "We're not even dating, Ron."

"Well we bloody well should be!" Ron pounced on Hermione and they both started a snog session at the middle of breakfast.

McGonagall looked disapprovingly over at the Gryffindor table, pursed her lips and determinedly continued her conversation with Professor Flitwick.

Snape turned paler and stabbed at his kippers with unneeded force and muttered about 'teenagers and their groping…fifty points from Gryffindor…'

Trying and failing to ignore the spectacle next to him, Harry dragged Draco out of the hall, leaving Pansy to deal with Colin who had taken a rather abrupt liking to her.

Once out on the grounds, the couple sat down, leaning against the beech tree his father and his friends had laughed by so many years ago.

They both stared out into the sunset, feeling the same sense of completion, happy where they were now, not quite yet having to think about what would happen once they left Hogwarts.

"Well, all's well that-" Draco slapped his hand over Harry's mouth, sensing some really lame fan fiction ending.

"No no, don't ruin it."

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End file.
